Sue Fracker's Journal 2006 Journal 2005 12/26/06 Merry belated Christmas everyone! Would have told you yesterday but I have been up north for the past few days on a whirlwind tour of the U.P. (hello, Brimley!). I crossed the bridge in the dead of night against the better judgment of all the light up signs shouting high winds high winds! I have yet to cross that bridge when there are low winds. It's the only way to get from down here to up there so I figure I'm not pregnant, I don't have a heart condition and I am at least 48" tall. Forge on! I made it safely to Bay Mills Casino and Resort and could not believe my eyes when I saw Bay Mills Casino and Resort. Resort means so many things to me now. I now get that whole "last resort" thing. Just a stone's throw from Canada, Brimley is basically a casino, another casino, a bar and a gas station. My kind of town. Great show there and the people were really fun! I hung out with three guys after the show who love to lose money like me, and I introduced the casino to a little drink I like to call Coronoa and Limon. Ordering a shot and a beer with the intent to mix the two brought the place to a halt. An emergency management meeting took place where they hummed and hawed over what to charge me...there wadn't no button on the register for it. True to form in the U.P., however, they added the price of the beer and the price of the shot together and came up with a price for Sue's drink, cuz they know liquor! It was all very reasonable, at least I must have thought so cuz the price did not deter me from enjoying my usual baker's dozen. If the baker had one arm and could only do like half the donuts...anyway, I've been out of touch because going up north does that to you. I have always thought it was pretty cool to live in a state where you could say you were going up north and it pretty much covers where you're going. Nobody asked me to get more specific than that. Everybody's up north is probably a little different, but the results are the same: relax, look at the beautiful scenery, drink a little, reflect a little, regroup and then return to reality. Many thanks to Brimley for a great show and then to my sis in Traverse City for a great holiday! 12/20/06 I haven't had an original thought in quite a while so I have not been compelled to write anything down. I want to write things down more routinely, but honestly, all this working out I'm doing is exhausting. Especially the part where I dead lift drinks to my face. Night after night! I'm kidding, cuz whenever I say I'm drinking too much, my mom's friends tsk and those nice people from church start e-mailing me. I like to kid about drinking because so many people can relate who do it for real. Like really for real. I won't mention any names cuz they know who they are sometimes. I've decided it's somewhat healthy to drink beer cuz I was told at a Tiger game it's good for your kidneys. Or maybe it was better for your kidneys than pop cuz pop has caffiene. You'd be surprised what you can learn while watching baseball. All I know is bourbon is good for the soul right up until you pass out with the remote in your hand. Then it's good for an argument the next day. Cheers! 11/19/06 I am writing this backward cuz I didn't want to leave out an entry about the awesome show Connie, Simply Shanell and I put on at Shooters in Saginaw this weekend. Here's to all you deer widows who came out to laugh and drink and shoot the shit while your husbands shot shit. Friday night was a little light but I won't forget Danielle, spokesperson for the table of 12. Saturday night rocked. Shout out to my pal Judy who taught me how to talk all raspy and might go bowling with me some day. It was a blast working with Connie and Shanell, oh and thanks to Kenya Black Coffee Prince for buying me a shot of jack. It's fun to not feel your teeth so much when you talk. 11/16/06 Just want to give a shout out to my friends Jamie and Emily from Fenton who bought me drinks and kept me up all night at the Penalty Box after a riveting night of comedy at Snappers (on the water). I am writing down the names of these places to show that I still have my wits about me after partaking in drinks of the young people: red bull and vodka and good-lord-not-another-kamikazi!!! This was Tuesday night. It is now Thursday and I just remembered how to type. It's like riding a bike, apparently. Thanks, chicks. Hi to everyone at the salon! 11/13/06 Just wanted to say thanks to birthday girl Mariposa Butterfly (that's redundant) and her roly poly husband and his very nice madre for coming out to the show last night at Maxie's. She doesn't look a day over 29!!! Had a lot of fun with headliner Chrissy Burns as usual, great show, fun crowd and a whole lotta power tools. They are remodeling. For some reason, it was necessary to get the stage the hell out of there right away, cuz we were ground level with the peeps who were all a bit higher on bar stools of course. Can't wait till that place is finished so women don't have to use the men's room and men don't have to use the parking lot anymore (well, that could still happen). Thanks, too, to Wendy and her mom, Anne, for catching my act yet again! 11/11/06 I was trying to hold off on writing for a whole month but I just couldn't take it anymore! Now I have people e-mailing me wondering if I fell off the face of the earth and the answer is: no. I'm still here just as empty-headed as ever. Actually, I have tons of thoughts all the time but typing them is almost like exercise and here's the deal...I've started to exercise. I am doing some sort of work out regimen that would make the marines laugh but perhaps people with a little extra around the middle or the motivation of a potato snug on the couch would find inspiring. I do situps. I do the situps every day. I started out doing a few situps and now I do more. The best part about situps is the look of utter dumbfoundity on my cat's face while I do situps. She wants to sit on me while I do situps and can't believe it is not an option. Same with the pushups. Sure, and extra 10 pounds on your back probably helps with strengthening, but really the claws are a bit much. Then I do some sort of leg lifts that hurt if I do them a certain way so I assume it's working. At first I just walked fast for a while after that but now I actually run. It's gotten crazy. It was warm out when I started walking but now the weather has turned and the running is more pitiful than ever because it is invariably in the cold and damp and darkness abounds. If you haven't exercised in a while and you want to start, let me be the voice in your head. The catalyst that finally gets you off the couch. The bitch who won't stop telling you to get off your ass. Whatever it takes, I'm here for you. After I take a nap. I'm exhausted. 10/14/06 Holy crap it's even later in October and you must think I have completely forgotten about you. Which is an odd thing to say cuz technically these are my thoughts and this is my journal and who the heck am I really talking to here? Maybe I should start locking this thing. It's a beautiful day, actually, cuz the sun is out and all the snow has melted (what?!). The wind is whipping through the trees, and I am watching every last leaf on that big oak out back fall cuz I refuse to start raking till they're all down. It is a never-ending project sharing your yard with a giant tree. Constantly picking up sticks and acorns and leaves and dead squirrels. The roof looks like a minefield of dried cracked branches and abandoned birds' nests. As much as we see above ground I can only imagine the depths and lengths to which its roots travel. The deck is built around it; I'm sure it has a pretty good grip on the posts below. I have no idea how old that tree is, but it puts up with our humor. We bought a face for it and named it Mr. Belvedere. The face is 4 pieces of earthy ceramic - 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth. Every morning the nose is skewed and the mouth twisted in a new position thanks to who knows how many critters scurrying across it all night. Mr. Belvedere looks inherently bored with the whole ordeal. Probably because he hasn't moved in a gazillion years. Maybe I'll take him with me to my next gig. Wise Guys in Wyandotte tonight! Last night I performed with Steve Sabo and it was a blast. Sal was there, too - it was great to see him again. Originally I was supposed to work with Steve Brewer, and I'd never met either Steve before, so when Steve Sabo introduced himslef as Steve, I assumed he was Steve Brewer. The next 20 minutes of the conversation was very strange because I thought he was Brewer and he knew he was Sabo and neither one of us was making a hell of a lot of sense. The nut finally cracked when I told him I heard he was pretty dirty and I even used the word filthy and he kind of looked at me like no one ever really said that about him before. Then he talked about booking all these rooms and I was thinking, I didn't know Brewer was a booker. So when I called him filthy, he was like, you know, Steve Brewer can be pretty dirty, and I thought who the hell does this guy think he is talking about himself in the third person like that? Then I realized he was talking about Steve Brewer like that cuz he wasn't Steve Brewer. Then he said, "I'm Steve Sabo, nice to meet you." And then we moved on. Note to bookers: please do not replace a headliner at the last minute with another headliner who has the same first name, neither of whom the feature has ever met. 10/2/06 Holy crap it's October! Hard to believe, but that is my only thought so far. That's how shocked I am. 9/27/06 Something snapped at Comcast cuz "The Daily Fix with Sue Fracker" has not been airing the last couple of weeks even though we keep sending them tapes. If you're getting a black screen, don't be like my brother and think the channel has been cancelled. He is an extremist. It's only temporary! I think the vcr broke or something, like the play button is stuck and they're trying to get it dislodged with two paper clips. Or maybe someone stuck a cheese sandwich in there instead of a tape which happens more than you know. Hopefully we'll be back in action next week. Just think of it as though me and Randy were on sabbatical and we're going to come back wiser than ever. And all we have to do is change the dates on the schedule again, so keep your eyes peeled for Lisa Spampinato and an all new cooking show...I swear it's going to show up on your screen one of these days. 9/24/06 Two awesome shows at the Holly last night - both sold out. I love performing at the Holly because they always have such great crowds. Norm Stulz headlined and was awesome - very high energy, hilarious, a wonderful story teller. He's been in the biz a long time and he sold it every show. I was inspired! Sheila Lovely featured and had them rolling with her twists and turns and crafty one-liners. The Holly is a great place to perform because the stage is more of a corner with a light and a mic and an old piano behind you. The walls at your back are brick and they have these chalkboards up there that they write the comics' names on, so we always joke how great it is to see your name in chalk. The stage isn't really a stage, just a change in flooring, so you are on the same level as the crowd and the three tables up front are literally in your lap. There are poles everywhere holding up the ceiling cuz it's in the basement of an old hotel right on the tracks and every Sat. late show features a train squealing by for about 20 minutes. They've strung Christmas lights all across the ceiling for "atmosphere" and the tables and people are all jammed in there so the laughter is loud and the drinks are flowing and it's just a great place to deliver your act and to catch an act. I always have good shows there and I think it's because I feel so comfortable. The place suits me. It's like when you play golf and you always hit it to the right (and I hit it righter than most) and you come up to a dogleg right. For me, that's number 8 at the club. No matter how bad I'm hitting it, when I get to number 8 at the club I know I am going to have a sweet tee shot and my whole attitude changes. I just get up there a nail it. And it's in the fairway almost every time. The Holly Hotel is my number 8, my dogleg right. It's just perfect for the way I swing in stand-up. Shout out to Nancy and crew, my favorite bartender, and the crowds this weekend for making the shows a treat once again. 9/23/06 What a great day! My nephews Ben and Charlie had a fabulous birthday party with the best chicken strips and mac n cheese ever. I love kids' parties because the food is always right up my alley. Credit mom Julie for trying to spice things up for the adults with an artichoke dip, but I just kept picking mini-oreos out of the party mix thank you very much. They go great with Bud Light. Ben turned 4 and Charlie is officially 1 and they both look fabulous for their ages. It's always nice to have a chance to catch up with family and friends, and it's amazing to see all those little kids in one place. Seems like every time you turned a corner there was a toddler popping up from behind a chair or dropping out of the sky or rolling up toward your feet. I used to get upset when I got called everyone's name but my own at family gatherings when I was a kid and now I understand. I've started calling everyone kiddo. Even the adults. I can't get anybody right anymore. Sometimes I throw a "little buddy" in there to mix it up. Our gift to kiddo was a Monster Soccer/Hockey inflatable set that went over huge. He loved it, he said, because he loves sports. Well there you go. I loved it because it says right on the box "air pump NOT included" and I like to give my brother inflatable challenges. For little buddy we got a firestation talking thing with cat and dog firemen. So realistic. The dog was a dalmation. I think we were a close second to Fridge Farm Magnet. It's tough to beat a barn that sticks to the fridge and is chock full of barnyard fun. 9/14/06 Just wanted to give a shout out to Dawn Food Products, Inc. for having me as their "entertainment" last night after a day of team building at Camp Onondaga. The show was supposed to be in Onondaga and got rained out. So I met them back at headquarters and it was totally awesome because they had hit the sauce. No alcohol allowed on the campground but apparently, completely acceptable in the Dawn Foods cafeteria. That made the show a lot better, I think, and everyone there was really a great sport. Especially the upper management I interviewed at the end after getting some inside scoop on them from pre-show questionnaires. Dawn is obviously a great place to work and they really know how to have a good time - I had a blast and wish them continued success! 9/11/06 It's still hard to type that date. Even harder to do so on that date, so I am admittedly doing it a few days later. I was so engrossed in the recap of events that took place on 9-11-2001 that for the first time ever, I think I actually forgot the event that took place on 9-11-1965, which was my parent's wedding. A much happier occasion, a much different time. We even went to Vegas last year to celebrate 40 years and they got married again. There are so many greater reasons to be mournful of what happened on 9/11, but one more to the list is it took away a happy anniversary and made it a sad one. In the midst of it all, 41 years is pretty significant, so here's to my Mom and Dad! 9/10/06 We had a garage sale this weekend. Everything must go! turned into Most of it's gone! so we were happy with the results. You can't expect to sell everything. You have to keep the shelves looking stocked so people will keep browsing. So you've got stuff out there for filler, like half bags of birdseed, piles of rags, a sandwich, leaves, Tony Danza Show first season on DVD. You can't get down to one item and have customers tug o' warring over it. Certain things sell themselves, certain things will never sell. We created a 1/2 off anything purple table just to sneak some of the latter items through. No one was really fooled. The purple wool blazer (sorry Emilie) remains a family heirloom. For Kate's first job interview maybe. I was shocked no one bought the framed picture of Brittany Spears. How does that not sell? The frame was nice. I marked things up that I secretly wanted to keep (that wasn't one of them). You could kind of tell because there'd be all these books for 25 cents apiece and all of a sudden one would be $10. That's a keeper. We sold one golf pull cart but not the broken one of course. So that will sit in the garage for another year. We sold things I don't remember having that I just forgot about again. Friday was busy all day and kudos to my parents for manning the shop during those rushes. Saturday slowed way down in the afternoon, so we started trying on clothes and modeling up and down the driveway to attract sales. Can less than zero people come? It was not a good idea. But playing basketball with yourself in the yard will draw a rusty van or two, we noticed. You have to wear the hoop on your head and shoot at yourself. I did not sell that item and I'm glad I didn't. I'm playing it right now. 9/5/06 Happy Labor Day! I went up north to jet ski on last time before the lake freezes next week and it was awesome. The trip out the the barge was a little harry cuz the wind picked up and nearly blew me off the damn thing. The waves were higher than I expected and so was I, so that is not a good combination in motor sports for yours truly. I wasn't high, Mom. I was drunk. Jeez. Anyway, going 15 mph on a jet ski into the wind over huge waves to see a rust-bucket in the middle of nowhere is my way of injuring my internal organs, so I spent the rest of the evening doped up on motrin and cranberry juice. Labor Day is a lot of work. Other highlights included some sun, some beer, some margaritas, a little more sun, some rain, putt putt (Nick won!) and tossing the softball around on the beach. A relaxing end to all summer had to offer. 8/28/06 I have been to the Twilight Zone, people, and it is Wisconsin Dells. Sorry I've been out of touch but whenever you cross over into cheese country, you can never pack enough humor. I found myself incredibly amusing as usual, unfortunately most people in Wisconsin regard me with an unequivocal stare that simply says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" No, I am not. I'm from over here where people laugh at things that are funny. Like your insane stretch of road called the Wisconsin Dells Parkway that featured two rear-end accidents within 100 feet of each other because everyone's neck in Lower Dells (my God where was the Upper?) is made of rubber. They can't help it, really, considering the street is lined on either side with one death trap of an amusement park ride after another. Seriously, bring the kids. Get them killed. I think that was on the sign at exit 87 off I-90. Across from the comedy club (not a thrill ride), was something called "The Rush." This is your best chance at getting rid of the kids once and for all. Put them in a tubular cage affixed to two giant bungees twixt two retired cell phone towers and slingshot them to the moon. For an extra $20 the certified Rush Operator could leave the cage open and you'll never see them again. I prayed for several that I saw brave this ride. I prayed they wouldn't be so trusting of strangers. I prayed they would learn the hard way. All of us who watched wanted the thing to break. That's why you watch. It was an accident waiting to happen. Two doors down was the Loony Bin distinguished only by the fact that it actually said Loony Bin on the building. Thanks for sorting that out. Perhaps this was a town of nesting cans. That was merely the smaller Loony Bin within the larger one in which we were all standing at that moment. I have never seen so many water parks in my life. Indoor, outdoor, colorful twisted tubes of metal, plastic, fiberglass, whatever can be molded into a body-sized tube (please note your body may not fit BEFORE attempting to enter) and shot full of water, these form the skyline of Wisconsin Dells. I believe I could have entered a blue tube at one end of the strip and be flushed out the wicked orange funnel spiral at the other, 3.4 miles away. Public transportation at its finest. If Dr. Seuss had seen this place, his head would have exploded. If you like carnies in sheep's clothing, call me for directions. Wisconsin Dells is not to be left off your list of things to do before you die. It could actually be your last stop. 8/20/06 I love improv! I'm having a blast with Left of Center doing improv shows every now and then on Saturdays at All Work and No Play. You should come out to a show some time because it's never the same show twice and we're really starting to gel as a troupe. Or maybe I just feel more like I'm in the jello. Like that banana floating there in the orange - suspended and perfectly preserved as a banana yet enhancing the overall gelatinous experience. It's just fun to be part of a comedic team. Stand-up is a lonely endeavor at times - you go, you wait, you smile at people, you get up on stage, you do your thing, people laugh, another comic comes up, people laugh more, you bullshit in the back with the staff, show's over, people smile at you on the way out and then you drive home. It's a lot of fun in the moment when you are on stage, but all the stuff around it makes you just want to have a posse you travel with. I need an entourage. Especially someone in charge of my hair. That would be HUGE. And maybe a hummer limo or limo hummer. My point is, improv has rejuvenated the team spirit in me and I really dig being in the middle of it with all the bananas...Lisa, Diego, Andy, Sandy, Barb, Jason, Kim, John and Mike. And our host guy Terry in the suit jacket. Come see us in September! 8/17/06 Last night I had Bob Phillips and John Face in the studio, two comedian friends of mine who made terrific guests on The Daily Fix. Bob has long been a personal favorite ever since I saw him at his graduation from comedy class a couple of years ago. He was a bit of a windbag in a suit then and I told him so, and that's when he fell in love with me. Fast forward to two years later, he has dropped the suit, tightened up his pants and his act and let me tell you he is hot hot hot. Also, available. So, single ladies looking for a mature father of two (or three?) with a wicked sense of humor and total control over his missiles, please call Bob. He is the nicest guy in charge of marketing weapons you'll ever meet. John Richard Face is more than a pretty name; he is a former paramedic with a dream. He started the Future Stars of Comedy Tour and is booking gigs all across the midwest for fellow up and coming comedians, many of whom are my peers and just need a venue to share their funny. John has great stories from his days as a paramedic, but he's also funny and just loves putting on shows. Shout out to Bob and John for appearing on the Fix - me and Randy had a blast throwing back a few beers with them and trying to keep the camera in focus. You're going to love those shows. 8/16/06 Corporate gigs are the best! I spent the evening with P&G in Chicago last night and what a treat they were to get to know. It was just awesome to be able to go to Chicago and walk the river and drink beers and stay at the Sheraton Towers and oh yeah, do a show! We were at Riva on Navy Pier. I was thinking big room, lotsa tables, stage up front. I was wrong. Small room, lotsa people standing, me on a soap box with a microphone. Smallest stage I've ever been on (literally 2' x 2') but one of the best rooms I've ever worked. Don't let 'em tell you different - P&G can take and 'get' a joke with the best of 'em. Even the Canadians kept up! I fell in love with a very tall guy in the back because, well, we were eye to eye most of the show. I've never been that tall but I liked it. I considered strapping the box to my feet and hopping out of there that height for good. One of the best lines of the evening: you can't judge a man by the size of his iPod. It was a clean show, but hey, we all knew what was in the room. Thanks so much P&G - it was a blast! 8/13/06 Great show at Maxie's in Flint tonight! Opened for Sheila Kay, and what a treat - she's Jewish and she's fabulous. We had a lot of fun with the crowd. Kudos to Rusty for bringing them in and doing such a great job with that room. Note to self: always plan karaoke after a show cuz people will come. If you turn on the mic, they will come. Shout out to Dan the Man and Rabbit Killer for making my set one of the most fun ever. Also special thanks to the mysterious woman who tipped me $5 and told me I was good. That's why I am in this. It was my first tip (cash) and I can't believe how smoooooooth I was about accepting it. I actually thought she was handing me her number, but it was MONEY!!! I love her. And now for a shot of Pucker... 8/10/06 Every time I go to a Tiger game they lose. Fortunately (for them), I have only been to two. We went last night, sat in 214 Mezzanine which is French for 214 Show Up Late. What is it with fans nowadays? The game started and that's when people started filing in to take their seats. And we're talking 36,000 people, several thousand of whom were jammed into our section and appeared to be professional loiterers. I've never seen so much blatant leaning and not sitting down in my life. Also hot dog and beer buying. Just random bursts of "I need a hot dog and I don't care if I have to standup in front of Sue Fracker for a third time while Bonderman is winding up" to get it. And how many times, really, does one have to pee? I say we all go at once, people. All of row 11 in 214, let's just get up and go right now and get it over with, then we won't be irritating each other with a stand up sit down program rivaling Sunday church service every time someone can't hold it any longer. Of course, had the Tigers WON, none of this would have mattered. Maybe next time. I'm afraid to go again for their sake. But you know, the full moon was fabulous and those dive-bombing bugs just under the lights weren't really that bad... 8/7/07 I was in Boston all weekend for The Legends Tour event keepin it real with the real time scoring for www.thelegendstour.com. Go there to see what happened. It's all a blurr to me now cuz I flew in and flew out so damn early my prescription for my contacts actually changed. As a not-so-morning person, I can't believe what I've been missing all these years at 6:00 a.m. I've been missing...smart, important people in suits who love coffee and read newspapers going to Boston. Small children and fussy babies going to Boston. Old nuns going to Boston. Apparently, 6 a.m. on a Saturday is the time to go to Boston. And 6 a.m. on a Monday is the time to come back. But not for the nuns. But of course, for the even fussier babies. A crying baby on a plane is hell for everyone. Once a baby starts crying you start thinking if this thing goes down that baby knew something. I wish I spoke crying baby. It's the same as meowing cat. What do they want???? It's hard to ignore a crying baby except when you are the window seat 7 rows up trapped next to a snoring elderly gentleman. It's amazing how the rhythmic rumble through the nose of a geezer trumps crying baby every time. 7/31/06 Sorry to disappoint, but this weekend someone in an El Camino buzzed by the Soloflex, screeched to a halt and threw it in reverse. He and his girlfriend got out to inspect the merchandise. Well, it wasn't really merchandise. I mean, can it be called merchandise if it's free and someone is just trying to get rid of it? What do you call that? Oh yeah, "someone else's treasure." Anyhoo, SOLD! Or should I say, TAKEN! The guy looked at it for like 3 seconds and started taking it apart while he was looking at it while his girlfriend rolled the tarp back on the El Camino. I don't know what else they picked up that day, but this had to be their biggest steal. Excellent physical condition is truly priceless. To get a chance at it for hauling away someone else's misery is a dream come true. What a Samaritan, this Captain El Camino. You can just feel the weight lifted (literally) off my neighbor's shoulders. No more working out!!! Woo-hoo! As soon as the guy drove off, the Ice Cream truck turned the corner and a tidy profit. So long, Soloflex. Hello, Fudge Ripple. 7/28/06 The house across the street from us is for sale! FYI: I am an excellent neighbor. Well, a good neighbor. Like a good neighbor, sometimes I'm there. It's like a winfall in our neighborhood right now. Just a few days ago the guy who lives next to the house that's for sale schlepped his Soloflex up from the basement and set it up at the end of his driveway and put a big ol' sign on it that says FREE. Then it rained a lot and now the sign has withered to pretty much nothing so now it looks like he works out at the end of his driveway. Which to me is a great idea - how can you miss it? You practically run it over coming home from work, so you are reminded to work out. In fact, it's had a ripple effect cuz now I see it every morning on my way to work and think, yeah, I should have gotten up earlier and worked out. I really only have to get up a few minutes earlier, stop the car in front of his driveway, do a few reps, and that should trim me right up. I think some of the walkers in our neighborhood are already using it as a station for circuit training. Somebody hired a towel boy and he's out there from 5-7 p.m. every night with a cooler full of Gatorade. I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to live right next door to that. Come on down!!! 7/27/06 Performed with Phenecia Banks at Edgewood Country Club in Commerce this evening, and boy do those ladies know how to have a good time. 160 glasses of champagne and then on to the hard stuff. The bartender was smoking like a fiend and pouring drinks left and right. What an awesome club! Someone named Nancy Mulligan took second in the golf - she was a good sport cuz I said her name A LOT. It's a fun name! Phe killed as usual cuz she's just funny that way, plus she's a new adoptive parent as of this weekend so kudos to her! Enjoy your new little girl Char, my friend, I'm sure she's gonna feel like the luckiest kid on earth living with you and Michael. All around a great night of comedy and comraderie at Edgewood - many thanks to Ruth for inviting us and to Janet for setting up the room. Great staff and members there! 7/23/06 Two awesome shows at Wise Guys this weekend in Novi. Many thanks to the bunch from Edgewood Country Club for coming out to see Friday's show. I'll be in their neck of the woods this Thursday, so I think they were the focus group sent out to see if my material would work for their people. I tried to tell them I can be clean, too, sometimes, but I don't think they cared! We'll see what Thursday brings - Phenecia's coming too. Thanks, too, to Stan and Julie for coming to Friday's show. It was good to see you! And tell Ben I will use his jokes as a fallback position at Edgewood. He's a lot cleaner than me. Usually. "What does a mouse eat for breakfast?" "Mice Krispies!" I love it. Although now I am picturing an actual mouse krispy and I think I'll skip breakfast tomorrow... 7/16/06 In summary, this last two weeks has been a whirlwind of golf, starting with the highly successful Wendy's Charity Classic LPGA pro-am on July 10 that raised $150,000 for adoption. Another great year! Lori West's team won it, not suprisingly cuz we finally gave her up as our pro. I played with her the last three years and nothing. We pass her off to a bunch of high-handicap hackers from Minnesota, and voila! Victory is hers. Oh well, we really wanted to tee it up with Cindy Miller from The Golf Channel's The Big Break: Ladies Only, so that was cool. Cindy was a lot of fun, too! This past weekend was the CCJ Women's Invitational. The Western theme was a great idea - we really decked the place out with bails of hay, cactuses (cacti?), saddles, wagon wheels, empty liquor bottles (I'd been emptying them for weeks leading up to this...). We even set up a poker table in the lounge. It was a hoot - Margaritas in big plastic cowboy boot glasses and black and white cow balloons on gingham table cloths. Everyone had a great time, especially the line dance coaches. Oh, and we did play 36 holes of golf in there somewhere, managed to win the alternate shot derby AND our flight. Fun stuff! 7/13/06 Happy Birthday, Stan!!! I remembered this a few days late but I can make it look like it's the actual day cuz of the computer and stuff. It's like traveling through time...so let me go back even further and say Stan was a great little brother growing up and I can't believe he's 32 now!!! And he's a Dad to two cute little boys, Ben and Charlie. You'd love Stan - he is genuinely one of the nicest guys I know and I'm not just saying that cuz he's my brother. He is kind and funny and damn smart. He married a cool chick named Julie and he's big time producer video guy for the Pistons. He's got championship bling and a bunch of Emmy's and he just wrapped a reality show on the Automotion Dance Team. You rock, Stan the man! Hope you had a great b-day. 7/4/06 Show your independence: drink beer and light stuff on fire! We were up north for the weekend in Caseville and had a blast. Literally. Stuff was blasting off all around the lake. I think the Caseville fireworks were some of the best I've ever seen. It was worth catching West Nile. I'm sure I'll be fine. It was probably just a bad hotdog. Or too much Bacardi in my Corona. 6/30/06 Looks like nothing has happened since Father's Day, but the thing is, too much has happened. I need an elf with a pencil or something to get all this down in the moment. It's tough to go back and recollect. I won't bore you with the details, I'll just give you the most recent positive thing: last night I made the finals for the Michigan COmedy Survivor contest coming up in August. The competition was tough. It's only going to get tougher. Shout out to my friends Judy, Paul, Kathy and Wendy for coming out to see the show! The crowd was a lot of fun - I wish we got more than 5 minutes! Anyhoo, gotta run (of course), but if you're reading this and you want to support adoption by donating the the Wendy's Charity Classic in some capacity, e-mail me at sfracker@aol.com. We're having a contest that you can get into for $10 and win a trip for two to Lake Las Vegas Ritz-Carlton resort!!! 6/18/06 Happy Father's Day, Pops! You're the best, and don't let anybody tell you different. This is a day for remembering what a great Dad you are. Here are a few flashbacks: burning Woody Hayes, Girard's funeral ceremony, right turn signal with catcher's mitt in the old LTD Ford, Mr. Frizzard's hand-me-down Plymouth with a 2 x 4 holding up the driver's seat, driving across America, all the mailboxes flattened on the way to morning baseball practice, family meetings, labeled laundry baskets, installing the pool, cleaning the pool, swimming in the pool, pizza parties with the baseball team, dressing up like ghosts at Halloween, singing Army songs on the bus to games, Christmas's in Grandpa's room, toasts at holiday dinners, collecting coins, polishing mementos, painting ceramic football players, stats, stats and more stats, all the wonderful things you do for everyone around you, including grateful me. Enjoy your special day, Dad. Thanks for being you! 6/15/06 My nephew Aidan gave me a gumball today. A huge pink gumball. He got it from someone else but his Mom told him he couldn't chew it cuz it was too much for him. So she told him to save it for someone else. "Who do you want to give it to?" He said Aunt Susie. Isn't that just the sweetest damn thing you've ever heard? That kid is so thoughtful. Why I come to mind when faced with getting rid of a giant pink gumball, I don't know, but I was first choice. So he gave it to me, and I asked if it was all right if I just chewed it right there on the spot and he said "Sure." But then he looked kind of sad when I actually popped it in my mouth so I think he hadn't completely let go. As with all kids, he was over it in about two seconds though when he saw how much fun I was having. What a great gift! I blew bubbles all the way home. The thing is, though, it lost its flavor after about a half hour and my jaw was really getting tired. I actually forced myself to chew for another 15 minutes or so cuz it was a gift. Then I thought, how can I just throw it away? This was given to me by my nephew. It's special. It represents his thoughtfulness and generosity. He is learning how nice it is to give. More chewing. More pondering. Should I just wrap it up in some foil and freeze it? Like a wedding cake? Come back to it in a year and remember this day? Then the phone rang and without hesitation I spat it into the trash can and took the call. Hey, it's not like I could have put it in a scrapbook. 6/13/06 Come see Matt play a guy with an ax in his head June 15-17! I make a "splendid monkey" according to the reviews (picture not available). 6/12/06 Life is a blurr at the moment so it's hard to find time to write. Maybe I should just switch to a video journal and somehow link this thing to my eyeballs for your viewing pleasure. I golfed in a JCWGA event (i'm president this year) that Wendy and I organized called the Golf n Gamble. Obviously, we golfed, then we went to Greektown to gamble! We had a blast/ 10 of us put $20 in a pot and went and played the $5 slots. Wendy hit 100 credits on a Wheel of Fortune machine and we all went nuts. That's $500! But then of course we put it all back in over the next hour. Doesn't matter though, all we lost was $20 each and it was damn entertaining. In addition to that, I've been performing in the play, running around taping the Daily Fix shows (holy parades, festivals and parties, Jackson!!) and working hard on the Wendy's Charity Classic coming up in July. Little time for comedy at the moment, but I did sign up for the Michigan Comedy Survivor Contest, so we'll see if I can get into the finals of that thing. I hope I remember my act! 6/8/06 Last night we had what they call in the theater "Preview Night." This is held the night before the official opening night of the play, and it's when all the press - newspapers, television, radio, Oprah - come in to "preview" the play so they can "review" it for the masses who will of course want to come and see it. I mean, it is HUGE. Well, at least it was for the one guy from the paper who showed up. I never really saw him fully lighted (and I was fully lit), so I'm not sure who he was, but he smiled and nodded a lot, which I took to mean he heard us o.k. He was less than 10 feet from me the whole time. It was like doing the evolution of dance in front of your cat. Did I mention he would blink occasionally also? We got through it, but I must admit I forgot a line or two and stumbled over one that I have been practicing forever so that made me mad. Not like raging mad, but like, "dammit, I knew that one." And when you flub a line it kind of deflates the suspension of disbelief. Cuz I was soooo riveting as a monkey before the stutter, I actually toyed with the idea of faking a stutter the rest of the way as though I meant to say it that way. We'll see what happens tonight... 6/5/06 I am making my community theater debut this coming weekend at All Play and No Work in a play called "All in the Timing." My roles include Loudspeaker Voice and a monkey named Milton. It is not unusual to be typecast in your first few appearances. I just want to say that Left of Center has been fabulous to work with - all wonderful actors and so committed to theater. I've learned a lot just watching them, and it's fun to be part of something like this. I have always wanted to write plays. I suppose a good start is acting in a few of them. I will keep an eye on Lisa Fabuloso Cordova (I just gave her that stage name cuz her real name is way too hard to spell); she is a hoot to work with and an extremely talented actress. Please come to the show if you can and watch her and Diego and Matt and Andy and Barb and Kim and Mike and me in action as directed by Jason. June 8-10, 8:00 p.m. and June 15-17, 8:00 p.m. 6/4/06 Last night I was at Jackson Comedy Club emceeing, and I want to thank the 15 people who came to the show. And of those 15, I would like to thank the three that laughed. Especially the guy way in the back sitting at the bar. I wonder if he was told frequently as a child not to sit so damn close to the TV. He must have fabulous eyesight. The best part about working that club was seeing my good buddies Germaine and Joel work that club. GG came and did a guest set and I must say, her rap stuff was hot. Joel has very funny material, but who needs it when you spill your drink on yourself and the crowd just wants you to talk to them. I think he managed to deliver a joke about every person in the room, which was truly a joy to watch. Kevin Whelan headlined - never met him before, but he was quite funny and his girlfriend was nice. Considering they were from Ohio, I was impressed. Thankfully, we only had to do one show, but I'm telling you, that place is really trying and if you want comedy in Jackson, you gotta get out there and support those guys. Next time you're free this summer on a Saturday night at 9:00 p.m., go down there and have a drink and check out the show. 5/31/06 So did you see me on LCS last night? LCS is the cool way to say Last Comic Standing. I was on for less than a second but that's no excuse. It's so obvious I was the one in the coat out in front of Zanies waiting in line for an audition. Surely you noticed me??? I can't believe I was on television. Well, big TV. I'm on little TV three nights a week and some people even recognize me in Subway. Not that I eat lunch at Subway, boss. (I work for Wendy's). But every now and then I like to check out the competition, see what eat fresh means. I guess it means "we're out of mozarella." That's what the terribly enthused worker behind the counter said to me. I said pizza. She said we're out of mozarella. Sigh. That's why I got that parking spot right in front of the building. Anyhoo, my point is, I was on NBC for .83 seconds. It was totally worth the 8 hour round trip to Chicago, the 5 hours in the freezing cold waiting outside and the $80 I lost at that stupid casino on the way home. They shot a bunch of other stuff of me they could have used, but I am both pleased and proud they elected to go with the glimpse I have frozen on Tivo and have dubbed "Waiting to Hear 'Next!'" And that means something on so many levels, not only "You're next," but as in "Who's next after you?" Hind sight is 20/20, but I wish I had been more cheeky. Cocky, even. It's not my nature without alcohol, but it's in me. It would have caused a bigger shift in the universe if I had just gone with my gut. I gotta shake this school girl image. 5/25/06 Edna turned 84 tonight and it was also my sister-in-law Emilie's birthday. Edna is a "regular" at Connxtions Comedy Club and comes with two other ladies in her age range (I think one is her sister). They've been going to Connxtions every Thursday for 13 years. Emilie has not been going at all. So they really have nothing in common other than being born the same day. I bought Emilie lunch and told Edna dirty jokes. I'm sure they wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I'm not sure how old Emilie is but she's got two kids and a long way to go. I said to Edna after the show, "So you'll be back next week?" and she said, "I hope so...I never really know." 84 is not that old, really, but it does give you pause to think Edna was born in 1922. Next time I'm at Bob Evans I'm going to pull that year off the "What happened in the year _____ ?" rack and get the scoop. I'm horrible at history, but I have a feeling Edna's version would spark interest. Hope she blogged. Hey, maybe she's on myspace...!!! I'll go look. 5/24/06 I think I need to give this more thought, but I have a theory about those alligator attacks down in Florida. I don't think it's an actual alligator as much as I believe it is the University of Florida mascot. What better cover? I mean if that guy asked me out I'd be intrigued enough to say yes and then even a bit amused that he elected to wear the costume when he picked me up. How cute is that? And if I decided to go for a jog the afternoon before our date along an alligator-infested canal on a beautiful day in Florida, I would just assume it was him trailing me, admiring my legs and all that. I don't think we have enough excitement in Michigan with dangerous animal attacks. California's got mountain lions, Florida's got gators, what's the worse that can happen up here? A big bug in my office? A rabid squirrel? If we saw one of those, we'd probably just take another swig of beer and send in a Yorkshire Terrier. Just once I would like to hear about an abnormally huge mosquito attacking joggers on the beaches of the Great Lakes. We need more inexplicable attacks to attract looky-loos and boost tourism. Keep that in mind when I run for Governor. 5/22/06 HUGE bug just slinked across my office floor. I mean enormous. I think it was a pachyderm for a family of smaller bugs. I saw luggage. The only drawback of nicer weather: things grow bigger and have the audacity to strut. I had no choice but to get it. And I got it good. People who say they can't hurt a fly have never been face to face with a creature like this. Antenna everywhere, legs everywhere. It probably had a million eyes and saw my shoe in a million pieces coming at it, and I am sorry it had to end that way, but it came down to me or him. I can't be expected to co-exist with something that scary. If it were capable of getting me a beer, things might be different, but I really saw no practical purpose in sparing it, so I made an executive decision. That's what I do in my office all day. Make executive decisions. And then, apparently, I execute. Sigh. Now I'm feeling a twinge of remorse. I hope he didn't have a family. Mostly I hope they decided to move it out after they saw what happened to Big Daddy. I will not hesitate to shoot. 5/18/06 My thought for today is why haven't I had any thoughts for the past few days??? This is why I never kept a diary as a kid. I went through some old boxes last weekend and I found two "diaries" from school where I started out writing stuff every night and about a week into it, you can see I am over it. My diaries didn't even lock! One had more stuff in it because I went to camp that year. Most of my entries were stupid (like this one) and went on and on about how I never have important enough thoughts to write down. I wish I was more dedicated to logging the details of my life, but everything happens so fast. Or at least too fast to stop and type. The good news is now that I am on TV every now and then, I have a record of whatever I was saying in that moment. So if I ever have kids (I have got to stop saying that at some point, I am at the top of the hill), I will not be all cute like Martha Stewart and pass down my detailed scrap books and hand-written rice paper log pages. Instead, I will say, "Kids, here's Mama's DVD's. They make great coasters." I know I promised I would write a book this year. There's still time. Tomorrow, Chapter 1. 5/14/06 It's Mother's Day. Aren't Mom's the best? It's cool that everyone has one. At least we have that in common. My Mom is awesome - she has a really cool perspective on life because she is German but she's lived in America for 40 years. She speaks two languages flawlessly, but sometimes little things get lost in translation. Like when she says just "shows to go ya" instead of "goes to show ya" (that may have been my grandma's influence...). Or "it's" a matter of fact instead of "as" a matter of fact. Or "du bist ein dumbkopf" instead of "you are smart." I love my Mom because she is the most genuine, kindest person ever. Everybody says that about their Mom, but I am serious. My Mom is totally number one. So if you try to tell me your Mom is, I'll nod and smile and be like, sure she is. But inside I'm thinking my Mom could kick your Mom's ass. That's how sweet she is. Every day is Mother's Day when you got a Mom like mine. All the best, Momsie!!! 5/11/06 My horoscope today said I am working on a big project and I shouldn't ask other people for help because it will just be a lot faster if I do it myself. First of all, that is soooooo Aries anyway. I've noticed my horoscopes have become less "predictions" and more observations about my character. Like one time it said: "keep taking chances, it will pay off." That's not a prediction. That's the voice in my head EVERY DAY. And as far as not delegating goes, I laughed. That was me many moons ago, but the older I get, the more I realize 1.) it doesn't matter that things get done right away and 2.) it's more fun the more people you have involved. Being an Aries really means fighting the urge to do it all on your own (ah, the Ram (that's what they always say in those astrology books, they just sigh and chalk it up to being a "Ram")). I don't mind doing things on my own, but I've learned after many years of participating in all sorts of events that you can do as much or as little as possible and people are just glad you're there. I know that's how I feel about all the people who have helped me over the years. Don't stop now. Knowing you're around gets me up in the morning! I can't imagine WHICH big project my horoscope was talking about for this week, but as soon as I figure it out, I'll need your help. 5/8/06 Another birthday shout out....happy birthday, Dad!!! I'm not sure how old you are but it doesn't matter. You are young at heart, and I doubt that will ever change. Thanks so much for all you do, especially the parties you host with Mom and the fun lunches and the pictures and telling stories from your travels. You know, I've met a lot of people through "The Daily Fix" and all of them who know you always say what a class act you are. A former baseball player of yours just told me the other day that one of the years you coached him there almost wasn't a team. He said you gave up coaching salary and did it anyway, and they went 26-1 that year. A fellow coach told me you once gave a pep talk to his team before they played the districts after your team didn't make it. Everyone has so much respect for you, Dad - you are truly an inspiration not only to your family, but to our community. Here's to your best birthday ever! (I just raised my Wendy's cup to you cuz it'slunch. No bourbon in it, yet.... ) 5/7/06 Had a great time at the Holly Hotel this weekend with Nelson Addison and Dick Canty, two funny guys from Syracuse, NY. Previously I only knew one other person from Syracuse, my sister-in-law Emilie. I don't know if Emilie know Nelson or Dick, but I'm sure she would remember if she met them. I know I won't soon forget them. Dick is about 6'5" and barely fit in the basement club of the Holly. I thought the dangling Christmas lights were going to strangle him, but he managed to make it to the stage safely for every show. He's got a quick wit and obviously enjoys working the crowd. Nelson was amazing - he has cerebral palsy. His jokes centered mostly around his disability, and he was hilarious. Charming and quite disarming, actually. People took to him almost immediately. His timing was superb. Very funny guy with a big heart. We all had a blast, despite a bit of a challenge at Saturday's first show with the bachelorette party. Actually, the bachelorette party as a whole was fine, just one of their gal pals was a bit out of line with the talking and the commenting and the shouting things out after every single joke. We all tried to shut her up for everyone else's sake, but alcohol was a factor. You can't fight aclohol. You have to just roll with it. Nelson made her a pretty good part of his show, so it all worked out. Special thanks to Dave and Tracy (and Tracy's parents!) for coming out to the show. Dave (or should I say "Sweet Cheeks"?) was lookin' hot!!! 5/3/06 And so the parade of May birthdays continues...Happy Birthday, Momsie! I went to Mom's to have a drink and wish her well. I wanted to tell the "birth story" like she does for us every year, but it's really hard when you weren't there. So I have to tell her what she told me. My mom was born in Berlin in 1945 with bombs flying everywhere and my Oma running to the hospital to give birth, stepping over dead bodies and avoiding soldiers with her other four children in tow. It was chaos! And out of it came my mother, who is the picture of calm, really. I don't know a more patient, generous, caring person than my mom. She taught us to see and appreciate the good in everything, which is what she does every day. Happy Birthday, Mom! You're the best. 5/2/06 It's Kelsey's birthday! Happy Birthday, Kels. She's 6, the oldest among the seven nieces and nephews I now have, and clearly the most articulate and mature. Without Kelsey, I would have no idea what on earth the other munchkins are talking about. I called her to wish her a happy birthday and she sounded so intellectual I thought, kindergarten has really come a long way. Used to be if you could tie one shoe and open a juice box on your own, you were well on your way to becoming a fully functioning first grader. I think Kelsey knows the Chinese alphabet and has already built a rocket. Amazing kid! I am proud to be her godmother (though I wish I was more like a Fairy Godmother with the wand and all because quoting the Bible is a real challenge for someone who only has the vaguest understanding of what really went down in Jesus' day.) Have a great birthday, Kelsey! 4/30/06 Did two shows last night at Joey’s Comedy Showcase in Livonia. Huge crowds, tons of fun. Pete Correale headlined and was hilarious. Me and Martini had a great time in the back laughing at his stuff. Pete’s from NYC and has a cool accent. He does some really funny stuff about his wife, his marriage, his drinking – it’s like you’re sitting next to a regular guy at the bar and he’s giving you an earful. I loved his delivery! Martini is very fun – he has a lot of good material that really showcases his ability to act things out. He has a smooth voice and he’s cool with the crowd. People take to him easily. I really enjoyed working with both of these guys; I picked up on a few things from them that I’m sure will help me out in future performances. Not their jokes! My Richard Pryor impression will never be as good as Martini's....I mean delivery-wise. They really sound like they're talking to the crowd. I think everyone from the first show - Amy the bride, John the birthday guy, the 21 year old and the tax season people really had a great time. From the late show, I hope Holly had a happy birthday – she was wearing a crown and a sash and could have easily picked up the Burger King. Yvonne’s wedding is next month in Ireland, so good luck to her and all of her bachelorette friends who wore the Shamrock antennas… 4/29/06 The “Show Me the Funny” Contest was a blast. Unfortunately, I did not win, but congrats to Adam Sokol for taking top honors. He had a great set – actually, everyone did really well and the show was hot! Shout outs to my good friends Joe Davis and Scott Loftis for bringing it. They were a hoot. I was proud to be part of these finals. Even better was the TV crew on hand from Oakland County’s www.g1nbc.tv network. I met Joe and Maureen and Jamie and I think the camera guy’s name was Jeff or John or something with a J. Anyway, they were filming a documentary about the contest that will air on-line some time in the future. And they recognized me from The Daily Fix! So we will be sending more tapes their way of our upcoming episodes, which is great because then you don’t have to have cable to watch us. You can check us out on the internet, too. I think Waterford Public Access was also there, cuz there were a couple of big TV cameras shooting the whole show. Props to Ryan, camera man in the back, for trying to show my best side. I had a few drinks after my set though, so please forgive me for patting you on the ass. I don’t know what came over me. Feel free to sue for harassment, I could use the exposure. A special thanks to JOHN and ANNE and PAM and WENDY for coming out to watch the show and vote for me. You rock!!! Also good to see Erica Lynn, Julie Lyons and my pal Rusty in mix. Kudos to Connie and to Cool Jerks for putting the whole thing together. Well done! 4/28/06 Joey’s was fun last night! Sold out show with Mike Green and Martini Harris. The place was packed with women bowlers and a group raising money for a cure for ALS. What a combination….the bowlers were pretty tanked before the show started and were throwing paper airplanes around the room. The Comedy for a Cure people were hootin and hollerin for their buddy, Tim, who has ALS and was on a respirator. Which was tough because the bowlers smoked about three packs apiece that night and showed little sign of backing down. Somehow, everyone got along and had a good time because the laughter was frequent and loud!!! Joey’s is a great club – the management and wait staff are excellent. Mike and Martini killed. I think the ALS people raised over $2000 for Tim. All in all, a success! 4/27/06 I'm an aunt again! My niece Kate was born at 7:48 a.m., weighing in at 8 lbs 3 oz and 20" long. She has a full head of hair and the nurses already gave her a shampoo and a highlight. I just got back from doing her nails. She's fabulous! 4/27/06 I was at Joey's in Livonia last night working with Mike Green and Martini Harris. Fun show! I told Martini I'm going to start calling myself Margarita. It was only a matter of time, and meeting him I think was a sign. Mike Green is hilarious! I had heard a lot about him but this was the first time I actually saw him perform, and what a treat. Really great writing and I love the character he is on stage. People really took to him and after a while you realize every word has a place in his act and it just keeps building. It was inpsiring. Check Mike out on MySpace. Mike and Martini are a pleasure to work with! The crowd was fun - it was Mandy's birthday and she just turned 21. A bunch of people from a Relay for Life fund-raiser were there laughing and celebrating their upcoming event. And I enjoyed meeting Assman and his gal Kelly after the show. Assman had the best seat in the house: next to the stage, next to the wall so he was actually behind me staring at my ass the whole time. He thinks I need to work out. Whatever, Assman. 4/24/06 My nephew Charlie passed the bar! He had been chewing on the practice test for a while, and it finally paid off. We are so proud. Please, if you've fallen and were bitten by a dog at the same time, especially on corporate grounds, call Charlie. He's you're man! 4/24/06 So I'm at the Inferno last night and who crashes open mic but Patton Oswald and those guys from Comedians of Comedy. An unexpected treat! I've been doing open mics for two years now, and I've heard stories about famous people coming in and "doing time" while promoting this or that, but I thought that only happened in L.A. It was cool to see Patton go up and "work on stuff" like he was just one of the guys. He was very gracious and supportive. But I'm glad I didn't have to follow him! ;-) And I wonder what people in the crowd were saying after the show...."Man, that one guy was o.k., but the rest of them need a lot of work." I need to get back to the Inferno more - it's a great club, and if you like Improv, you should really take in a show there some time. They have all kinds of improv games and shows going on throughout the week. Visit www.improvinferno.com for more inferno info! oooooo....alliteration. The countdown to the "Show Me the Funny" finals in Waterford begins now - please come to the show at 8:00 p.m. on Friday. It's me and 9 guys. Chicks, unite! I need your support cuz it's all based on audience vote and the prize is awesome. Over $1000 in paid gigs! Hope to see you there... 4/21/06 When’s the last time you picked up your parents at the airport? I had to retrieve mine late last night after they spent 11 days tooling around Florida with my German cousins. They looked great! And my Dad gave me two bottles of liquor for my trouble. He must have one helluva stash because he’s always handing me fifths of liquor. Not that I’m complaining, but I wonder if it’s just me or if he’s now using it as currency. “Thanks, Billy, you did a great job mowing the lawn. Here’s some tequila!” My mom bought me a t-shirt from Key West that says “I’m going nucking futs!” Clearly I have made tremendous strides with my folks through comedy. My dad’s wingin’ around bottles of hooch and my mom is on an f-word mission. Little do they know, they started it. I don’t know two people who are better at laughing it up. Welcome home, Mom and Pops! 4/19/06 Last night I did some time at Wise Guys for the Women’s Comedy Network show and it was a blast! Those gals really know how to have fun, and I admire them for pursuing laughter seemingly just for the sake of it. They enjoy each others’ company and like to put on shows. Beats your average potluck! A shout out to Erica for letting me crash the show and see the gals in action. Please ask Nanette what happens when her dad wants her to unpack… 4/18/06 Happy Birthday, Wes! My brother is the big 3-0 today. He probably didn't want me to say that, but he's always looked a little on the young side. Now he's into a new decade and (hopefully) a whole new level of maturity. I remember him playing Kaboom on Atari like it was yesterday. And Yars Revenge! He was a heckuva baseball player all through little league and high school. And he's very musical, writing songs, playing the piano - he even had a band with the cousins for a while. Now he's a husband and a father and wow, how time flies. That's his son in the pic, Aidan. Trust me, it's kind of like looking at Wes 28 years ago... hope your birthday is tons of fun, little bro! 4/17/06 Great show at Maxie's in Flint last night, what a fun way to round out a full weekend of stand-up comedy for yours truly. Many thanks to Wendy, John, Anne, David, Tracy, Chris and Tara for coming out to yuk it up with me, Connie Ettinger and Jeff Dwoskin! I also enjoyed meeting two strippers, "Single Susan", Big Poppa, 6-point and that nice Volkswagen couple who bought me a drink. I can honestly say after 5 shows in three days, I feel less like a broken record and more like a personality. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say, and I did not end up dead after all the drunken heckling. I ended up actually enjoying myself more! I don't know where I'm at on the timeline of comedic development, but I have reached the point, I believe, where I have more than "oh yeah?!" in my head when someone shouts something at me from the back of the room. Progress! By the way, this is a picture of Leslie and Emily who are on The Daily Fix with me tonight talkin' 'bout how they gave me a shout out on NBC's the Today Show! Check it out on Comcast Channel 20 at 6:00 p.m. 4/16/06 Happy Easter everyone! Had a great time with Buzz Nutley this weekend in Youngstown but now I am off to Flint to do a show at Maxie's tonight with Mike Malec and Jeff Dwoskin. I'm sure it will be a very religious experience. Buzz was awesome to work with and we had a lot of fun with Saturday night's shows. In his honor, I changed my name to Sooz Titley. It's amazing what a drunk guy in each show can do for your performance. Not Buzz, I mean in the audience! I'm going to start paying drunk guys to yell unintelligable shit at me during my set. Not that I'd have to pay them. And apparently, I'd have to get in line to buy them a drink. Anyhoo, that's Buzz at Denny's as we were debriefing with the Funny Farm crew after Saturday's shows. Thanks again, Loretta and Heather - it was good to see you! Tell Val I sucked at skill crane. 4/14/06 Tonight I was in Youngstown at the Funny Farm Comedy Club. It was kind of a roadtrip within a roadtrip cuz I had to drive all the way here (4.5 hours), do a show at the club in Boardman at 7:30, then drive back to the club in Liberty and do a show there at 9:30. Me and Buzz Nutley are like driving fools. Buzz is cool, very funny. I like his perspective and his one liners. He does a lot of comparisons, which are really the best way to go because people can relate. He thinks I look like Princess Di. Thankfully, before the accident. He brought his friend Billy Robinson with him, a fellow comic. Billy did a guest set at Liberty and was hilarious, reminded me of Lewis Black. I look forward to seeing more of him. We yucked it up after the show for a while, too, and it was fun getting to know him. Both these guys are on MySpace, so if you're on MySpace, add them! Obviously, you need to add me, too. What are you waiting for? Life on the road is hard. Omigod that is such bullshit!! I'm on the road for one day and it's pretty easy. I woke up late but I didn't have to be anywhere. I have to do two things before tonight's shows: get an oil change and hit a bucket of golf balls. I have 7.5 hours to get it done. Better hurry! Comedy does not pay well and I really do enjoy my day job and all the people I work with doing all the crazy things I do, so going out on the road permanently is not necessarily what I'm after. I am just focussed on getting better with every set, writing more material and meeting great people. Weekends like this definitely help! Looking forward to two more great shows tonight in Youngstown. Boardman is usually very "smiley" and not so much laughy laughy, but thank God for Liberty, because those people get it. 4/10/06 So I advanced to the finals of the "Show Me the Funny" contest at Cool Jerks in Waterford Friday night, and I would like to thank my fans #6 and #9 for helping me put together a great set! I had a lot of support that night from Trish and friends, and I really appreciate it. Wendy's parents John and Anne rock!!! They just got back from Florida and wasted no time driving straight to the bar to get liquored up and enjoy some comedy, God love 'em. Rumor has it we will be doing the same thing Easter Sunday night at Maxie's if you're looking for some action this weekend...the finals of this contest are Friday, April 28 in Waterford where the drinks flow freely (they still cost money) and the laughter is at a maximum, so come out and support your pal Suuuuuuuuue Frack- ah!! 4/6/06 Comedy for comedy's sake can be very entertaining and a great escape. Throw in a cause, and all of a sudden the show has even more meaning. Such was the case tonight at the MDA Comedy for a Cure Stand-Up Contest. We raised $1,155 for MDA and the crowd had a blast with all nine comics who gave their time and energy to put on one heck of a show. Many thanks to Diane, Scooter, Stephen, Bob, Russ, Bob, Tim, Kate and Owen for coming out to Jackson to perform. You guys were awesome! Congrats to Russ Brown for taking first place, and kudos to Scott Loftis and Bob Phillips for taking second and third, respectively. As they say in fund-raising, the real winner is always the cause - without such good friends for comics or such good comics for friends, it wouldn't be possible to help at this level. I saw a lot of familiar faces in the crowd, including Charlie and Lisa, who are tossing around a comedy fund-raiser of their own coming this fall. Something about cats. Not like the Broadway show Cats, cuz I think those days are over, god bless T.S. Eliot. But more like cats who need homes or cats who have dogs for friends and they all need a place to crash for awhile, or maybe it was spaying turtles. All I know is there are animals involved and most of them are cute and by golly we need to help them. Anyway, the nice thing about having these shows at Bella is they're local and I get to see so many fun people in Jackson come out and have a good time. Your support means a lot, and I know it meant a lot to MDA. Thanks! 4/2/06 What a great birthday weekend!!! We had a show last night at All Play and No Work. I performed with Left of Center Improv and it was a blast. Just want to say thanks to Diego, Lisa, Andy, Jason, Barb, John and Kim for putting on such a great show and making my birthday such a fun and special one. Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like Andy as an armless massage therapist and Diego shoving a boomerang up Jason's ass. I also enjoyed picking apples with Lisa, reviewing movies with John and watching Barb and Kim demonstrate birth without moving a muscle. I'm still not sure which one was pregnant. Many thanks to Mom, Dad, Wes, Peg, Ellen, George, Charlie, Lisa, Ken, Theresa, Shelly, Gary, Mary and friends for coming out to watch the show! We had a pretty good crowd of 50+, so nice turnout for the first show. We hope to do more at All Play - thanks, Matt! Wendy got tickets to Dave Attell at Connxtions, so we checked him out Sunday night. Dan DeCapua featured and had a fabulous set! Dave Attell was like a musician - he told some familar jokes but did a lot of new stuff and basically started a jam session about 20 minutes into his set. An hour and a half and several shots of Jameson later, we realized we were part of something special and he was just having a great time. It was cool to be in the front and watch Dave do his thing, but also how he handled people shouting meaningless shit out. He is really great on the fly. If you are easily offended, this guy is not for you, but if you're curious about sex with a turtle, check out his act some time! 4/1/2006 Today is my birthday!!! No foolin'. I will not reveal my age but if you go back in my thoughts a year ago and then do some math, you'll figure it out. It's just a number anyway, right? The problem is, it's getting to be a larger number. We should start at 100 and go backwards. That would put a stop to teen pregnancy. Anyone 79 and under can drink. You could retire at 35! And some people could live into negative numbers... my God, Sue passed away? How old was she? Negative 7. Well then, it was probably time. It would be more like a countdown instead of a burden. Every year you get older, you have more years, the bigger the number, the more your bones ache and you feel yourself hunching over and talkin' 'bout how cold it is. Counting down is way more exciting - look at New Year's Eve! The anticipation, the excitement, the big shiny ball. Seems like everyone would be a lot more excited about getting older if it was positioned more like getting younger. How about it? Old is the new young. I'm just throwing it out there. 3/29/06 I think if you have something on your face or in your teeth people should tell you right away. I know it's hard to tell someone they've got cheese on their chin, especially when they seem so excited and maybe they're telling a really good story or talking about how they learned something new, and then there's that little mess right there on the chin. So it's hard to focus on the words but you try anyway because heaven forbid you should just come out and say, "You have cheese on your chin." Think about the other guy for a change, will ya? Imagine how you'd feel if you just discovered bananas could replace gasoline and you came running out and announced that you've figured out how to get a car to run on bananas and everybody's like, yeah, that's great but they're all thinking, "Jesus, she's got cheese on her chin." Until the cheese is removed, one cannot be taken seriously. Spare a friend or relative the indignity next time and just go ahead and wipe. In fact, carry a tissue or a handkerchief around with you for just such an occasion. Obviously, the person you are helping hasn't thought that far ahead. And everyone knows you can't feel cheese on your chin or broccoli in your teeth. You have to be told about it. There are two things in this world we need to start doing without hesitation: point out excess food on someone's face or in their teeth and immediately correct anyone who mispronounces your name or calls you by the wrong name. I am not Suzanne Fraker!!! Of course you won't believe me until I wipe this cheese off my chin. 3/26/06 What a great weekend of comedy at the Connxtions Comedy Club in Lansing. Tom Foss and Dennis Sheehe were so fun to work with - very entertaining and just all around nice guys. I saw my friends James and Julie, Charlie and Lisa and not to mention blast from the past, Laura! She was my mentor teacher in the Academic Learning program at MSU, which means I observed her classroom at Sexton High for a couple of years before actually student teaching there back in 1991. Oh how time flies....she looked the same - great! Speaking of teaching, also one of my former students appeared with her husband-to-be. I think it was Heather and Carlos, but I did have a few drinks. Not a lot, Mom, just a couple of those ones we like that have the bourbon in 'em... Friday night's late show was a little crazy with a huge frat party in the back of the room. There were about 100 Zeta's and Theta Chi's and who knows what other letters back there, and they were trying to pay attention, but you know it ain't easy when you're so new to alcohol. I have to give props to Emily, Amanda and the Ritual Director for yelling my name throughout my set. It helps me concentrate. I was very glad to meet them in the bathroom before the show and see that nothing has changed since I was a Tri-Delt back in the day. Delta Delta Delta, how can I help ya help ya help ya? Which Delta would you like to try? I think Connxtions was trying to help control the party by hiring big bouncer Rudy. Rudy was a hoot, but he was shorter than me, so I don't know how effective he was. Plus, he needs to work on his neck muscles. I told him that and he bounced me out of there. So I guess he knew what he was doing. If I were a bouncer, the first person I'd clear out would be the host of the show. 3/24/06 The shows in Lansing this week are hot! Headliner Tom Foss is hilarious. He reminds me of Robin Williams and Mitch Hedberg if they morphed into one and went on the blue collar tour. The thing I like most about Tom is that he is just as genuine off stage as he is on - what a great guy to do shows with. Sometimes it gets a little long doing 6 shows with the same comics cuz you keep hearing the same jokes, but it just never got old with Tom. I could watch him again! Truly funny guy and a lot of fun. So was Dennis Sheehe, the feature. I really enjoyed his humor and his presence on stage. What a great voice he has....and his facial expressions were just fabulous. If you're not doing anything tonight or tomorrow night, come out and see them (and me)! 3/22/06 The only things for certain in life are death and taxes. I submit there is a third: road construction. Especially when you plan to be somewhere and you think point A to point B will take 5 minutes. But you didn't account for the yahoo with a shovel, a truck full of gravel, 6 orange cones and an attitude. You think that reflector vest means something to me, pal? Why are you filling holes with stones that won't stay in the holes? Stones that fly up and crack windshields? Stones that hurt. I don't want to be mayor or anything, but I recommend sand. From a nice beach or something. Pretty it up, people. Especially if you're going to make me late. 3/19/06 This is my sister Tess at her birthday party last night...see how surprised she was? And that's me behind her sayin', "Gotcha!" She had no clue. I wanna give a shout out to Pinky T and Wendy for keepin' it real and making this happen. You guys were great! You know it's a great party when Mom goes out the wrong door and Dad has to help her over a fence to get her to the car. I'm sure that patio area is very popular in the summer. The Guest List: Wes, Emilie, Dan, Amy, Dad, Mom, Sue, Wendy, Jeff & Tess! 3/18/06 I just want to wish my sister, Tess, a happy 40th birthday!!! She doesn't know it, but we are going to surprise her tonight with a little party at PF Chang's in Lansing...it's a good thing I'm writing this after that already happened. My sister Tess is awesome. Her nickname is Sistah T and she is a beautiful, smart, out-going mother of three sweet little girls. I think you are supposed to share a fond memory whenever someone turns 40, so here's one of many: my sister lived in South Caroliiiiiina for about 5 years. When she gave up and decided to come back, thank God, I helped her move. I drove the big-ass 25-foot U-Haul truck with her mouthy cat Fitz in the front seat the whole way (14 hours of "meow meow meow," how this cat failed the Meow Mix commercial auditions I'll never know) while she buzzed in and out of traffic in her Mustang up ahead. We had walkie-talkies, so we were two crazy chicks driving through the mountains talkin' trash and running from the law. Well, that last part was pretty lame cuz I could barely go 55. But she teased more than a few smokeys, that's for sure. Anyway, it was one of the best roadtrips I've ever been on, and the best part of it all was having her back home. I love ya, Tess! Happy Birthday :-). 3/17/06 Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone! I am off to do some comedy at the Country Club and enjoy various green drinks among friends who are both Irish and non-Irish. I want to give a special shout out to my nieces Kelsey, McKenna and Riley and my nephews Aidan, Bennett and Charlie (the ABC Boyz!!!)...I hope yer wearin' green cuz you don't wanna get pinched. I forgot what happens if you are wearing green and someone pinches you anyway, but I think it's a penalty and two minutes with a bong. Not for you kids of course, but warn your parents. And remember, when Irish eyes are smiling, they're trying to steal your drink. That's all for now, kids! 3/16/06 Oh it’s St. Patty’s Day eve! I love St. Patrick’s Day. I used to think it was great as a kid – we were always drawing shamrocks and trying to find four leaf clovers at recess. Shamrock shakes everywhere. Lucky Charms for breakfast. Leprechauns running around with little pots of gold. It’s a fabulous holiday. Celebrating the Irish like we do. Even as an adult it’s fun. Green beer everywhere. Bailey’s for breakfast. Have a little pot and you see some Leprechauns. Saint Patrick is so well-respected, in fact, Queens School is closed tomorrow. It’s like Christmas! And of course, the tradition of wearing green to avoid getting pinched is still strong. I wish we did that with other colors on other days. We should keep it going throughout the year with all the colors of the rainbow. Or Crayola. Or J Crew. Or whoever else does colors. It could be Burnt Sienna Day. Or Lake Day. Those are good. I like colors that sound like foods, too. Like Tomato. Or Celery. Or Chicken Cordon Bleu. Now I’m getting hungry. What was I talking about? I’m going to lunch. 3/12/06 Leo's was awesome last night with Dave Landau and Russ Brown co-headlining! Had a blast doing a guest set, but I think Stony got blasted while emceeing...he needed more coffee, less shots. That's how fun that place is though, the people are so friendly you don't realize how much you've had to drink until you have to go back up and introduce somebody else and you can't remember who it is. And of course the slurring is a dead give-away. Also tripping over the microphone cable. We've all been there. I like that club, but man it must be the last place to smoke in Canada. I almost yelled fire. Next time I'm going to bring my own nebulizer. It's not a hint, I'm just being practical. I was so green from inhalation by the time I left there I thought I was going to get stopped at the border for drug smuggling. I looked like I swallowed something foreign. Like maybe a Canadian smoker. They are not hard to find. They taste like maple menthol. It took me all day to recover from that, but I think I'm ready for the new week. Rumor has it we're practicing improv tomorrow night... 3/10/06 Today's horrorscope: "You are on the right path. A slight turn could prove dramatic. Stay focused and all goes well." Ooooooooo. I am definitely buying a lottery ticket today. 3/9/06 Find me on MySpace and be my friend! 3/8/06 I think I have a brain tumor. The fact that I still have room in my brain to imagine I have a brain tumor leads me to believe it is in the early stages of development. But there's something forming just above the back of my neck on the right, bottom part of my brain. Maybe I'm paranoid, but every time I answer a cell phone call and sip my Diet Pepsi, I feel a little twinge of something in that exact spot. I tried giving myself an MRI with some tinfoil and a refrigerator magnet, but I didn't get a very good reading. I don't trust modern medical science to give me a straight answer. I do trust my instincts, however, because who is more in tune with your own body than you? Of course, I've spent the last couple of years simultaneously pouring all kinds of junk into it and keeping it out of the gym, so maybe it's trying to tell me something. Maybe I need to go for a walk. Breathe real air. That little jog I break into now and then when I'm going from my car to the liquor store entrance probably isn't enough. I'm not saying I'm going to start exercising. I'm saying I'm going to start thinking about seriously considering a more rigorous work out routine while I still have room in my brain to mull it over. I feel better already. 3/6/06 And I quote… “I like her. I like the dummy stuff.” After four hours freezing my ass off in front of Zany’s in Chicago for the Last Comic Standing auditions, it all came down to Ross liking me. Sadly, Bob wasn’t too convinced, so they passed. I think my material went over all right, but I was nervous and I don’t think I handled the questions very well. I was so focused on trying to deliver my material right I didn’t really consider how fun it can be when I just chat with people. I had just done that for hours out in line – I should have carried it through to the room. I’m a talk show host for crying out loud! I should have trusted that part of me and gone for it. So, I didn’t make it into the next round, but I did learn a valuable lesson: always go to the show the night before a TV audition. If I hadn’t done that, I may have never even gotten a slot. I was able to get my ap the night before. I got number 30, and I could show up at 8:30 a.m. Much better than my original plan: show up at 5:00 a.m. and hope for the best. A lot of comics had to do that. And unfortunately, they couldn’t all be seen. Many were sent home with instructions to send a tape because of the communications screw up. I was lucky to make it as far as I did, and I felt good about getting just a few seconds of hesitation from the judges, because believe me, they were not that generous with everyone. Some guys only got out a couple of sentences and they were like, “Thank you.” Holy shit! And there were cameras everywhere so I just kept thinking I signed a release, I signed a release and if I f up, they can use it. I could end up in the “not funny” pile. You know how they like to show bits and pieces of stuff and that wasn’t how it really went down. Like when I came out of there after being rejected, I was o.k. with it, but I don’t really remember everything I said to another comic who was standing there (Vic!) and they were taping the whole thing. I mean I tried to be positive but it was scary and part of me is still a student and I felt like I got a C. Which isn’t bad for rocket science, but when it’s for doing what you’re typically decent at, it shakes your confidence a bit. When I look at the big picture, I feel all right with my shot, but you know deep down you’re always thinking what if I had said this or what if I had said that and you can’t go back. The only thing you can do is push yourself to say it next time. Next time somebody who’s been sitting inside all morning has the nerve to ask me how cold it is outside, I’m going to say it was so cold the guy in the wheel chair got up and caught a cab out of there. He couldn’t take it anymore. And I’m going to say my toes were so cold if anyone stepped on my foot I would reveal any and all valuable and secret information I have, including my ATM PIN number and e-mail password. I was so afraid someone would step on my frozen toes and literally crack them off that I stood with my feet parallel to the wall so whenever someone walked by I was not at risk. I looked like Charlie Chaplin in a rather wild wig. It took three people to do my hair that morning, by the way. The results were stunning. The thing is, I am not usually guarded, but I felt a little that way when I finally made it to the stage. And that I regret. Because the stage is a fun place, and it’s fun to tell jokes, and it’s fun to get people laughing. My advice to anyone trying out for LCS is to remember a set you had when you just rocked the crowd and you were making a bunch of stuff up on top of stuff you’d already written and you were just in the zone. Remember that just before you get on stage instead of remembering the first joke you’re going to tell. It is so obvious to me now that it’s all about personality – not forced personality. Just your personality and how you naturally are in a roomful of people who generally enjoy hearing what you have to say. If you can’t behave like that in front of Bob and Ross, they don’t have time to imagine that you might at some point. You gotta jump right then. I hope I am lucky enough to get a second chance, because I grew a lot with the first. If it is meant to be... 3/3/06 Hi, Germaine! Thanks for changing my bio. You rock. 3/2/06 I think I need to change my bio. I've been reading some famous comics' bios, and they all have such great things to say about what they do. And what they've done. I mean, it's a bit boastful, but I suppose you have to do it if you want people to know what you're all about. It's weird to write about yourself in the third person. Plus, I am guilty of editing myself at every turn. "Sue is hilarious!" Well, she can be, but not that one night in Dearborn..."Two thumbs up for Sue's hysterical act!" One of the thumbs is slightly bent because honestly, hysteria freaks me out, and I don't want people getting too nutty on me out there in the crowd. I do enjoy belly laughs and cackling, however. I thought it would get easier to write my bio after a couple of years in the biz, but I don't want to just list where I've been and who I've worked with. I feel like I have to say what kind of comedy I do, and that, my friends, is hard to describe. If anybody wants to throw out some buzz words, I am open to suggestion. I already thought of great, fun, funny and fun to be with. Oh, and fun to watch! The funnest. "Sue's really fun!" Man, this is fun. 2/28/06 Just want to thank Scott, Peg, Connie and Wendy for roadtrippin' with me to Livonia last night for a show at Joey's. We had a great time! Scott is a very good driver. He has no choice with Peg as co-pilot. We stole his Dad's van for the night and had some drinks and played Keno and learned about martinis and listened to music and laughed our asses off and somewhere in there went to the comedy contest. I think I went over my 7 minutes and I think I needed to be funnier than Mike Stanley and Bob Phillips, cuz they won. They had great sets! I wish them good luck in the finals. As for me, I'm planning another roadtrip - this weekend to Chicago...holy hairspray, we're heading for the windy city! 2/26/06 I knew this would happen. Those boys won. Now everybody's going to think guys are funnier than gals. That wasn't my intent, but truly, the men did have a good night! In all fairness, so did the ladies and it was a close contest. But the first "Battle of the Sexes Comedy Showdown" will go down as a victory for the men - Gene, Aaron, Brent, Owen and Tyron all had great sets and really got big laughs. The gals gave them a run for their money, though, and deserve an atta girl... Way to go Jody, Diane, Germaine, Robbin and Crystal! My man Brent Sullivan earned "Best Overall Comic" honors with his fabulous bits about penile inertia and life as a bank teller. That guy has amazing timing! Crystal P rocked the house and walked away with "Best Female Comic", while Tyron Foston joked his way to the "Best Male Comic" award. Everyone was very fu