Sue Fracker's Journal 2005 12/26/05 A lot's happened since we put Fluffy down, but I haven't had any time to write. Hope everyone had a merry Christmas out there - I always do. Doesn't matter what I get or what I give, I just like seeing friends and family this time of year and getting caught up. It's great keeping in touch now via e-mail and with my cell phone always at the ready, but you can't beat a good face-to-face over turkey or sandwiches or cookies and cakes and cheeses and shrimp and wild dips and awesome fruity flavored cocktails with chocolate shavings. This is the time of year to rejoice, of course, but also to pig out. And even if you feel the slightest bit guilty, someone's got your back with a hearty, "It's the holidays!" so just stuff another cheese ball in your face and wash it down with a good-sized swig of Jim Beam and holler Merry Christmas, dammit. It's the holidays. We hosted our first Christmas dinner this year, meaning we cooked the turkey. Plan B was Pecan chicken, which also turned out nice. One word of advice: don't put potato peels in the garbage disposal. Especially if you've just peeled 10 pounds of potatoes. No amount of water can help flush those babies down, I don't care what any hardware journal says. If you intend to put potato peels down the garbage disposal, I recommend knowing something about pipes or sleeping with a plumber. Fortunately, I know a little something about pipes. 1/24/05 Last night I was in Standish with Rob Little. Standish is near Sterling which is near Standish. Neither of them are near anything else. You know it's a small town when the only place to hang out before your show is in the bar across the street from the bar where you'll be performing. It was a two-bar town with a train running between the bars. Nice. Wendy's folks and some friends of theirs came out to see the show and it was tons of fun! I felt like I was working a bingo hall converted into a bar, but I know the six people in the front row got a kick out of me. Rob was outstanding as usual, coming back to entertain over 200 of his friends and family on the eve of his birthday. Great show! 12/21/05 In about an hour we're going to put Fluffy down, and I just wanted to write in here a little something about him. I've known a lot of cats in my time, but none so wise as Fluffy. He has always been an "old soul" looking out for us. He used to go out at night and come home in the morning with tales of mole hunts and close encounters with the neighborhood dogs. He'd demand food with practically a roar and then, once fed, plop on top of you and jam his nose into your eye socket as a thank you. He is a big cat. Lately, he's faded and lost weight and his age has caught up with him. His fur is falling out, and he has a tumor growing too large behind his left eye. He moves slow, he can hardly see and we wonder if he hears us anymore. We've known him for years, we know he is a shadow of himself today. He needs peace. So we'll give it to him, but not without believing his spirit will find its way into our lives again some day. See you then, big guy. 12/19/05 Awesome show at Maxie's last night! Who knew Sunday night in Flint would rock? Shout out to my posse (Mom - the word is "posse," which means a group of people who are there for me), John, Anne, Bob, Sharon & Wendy who had my back the whole time. I think it really helps the show to let strangers in the audience know up front that you've got people with you who will kick your ass if you don't laugh. I hadn't worked in Flint before, but I learned they respond well to threats of violence. It was a good mix of people - anywhere from age 21 to 80, and they seemed mildly amused by the free show. I think the key was leaving Keno on the whole time. I mean, hey, I was playing numbers, too. Chili headlined and was hilarious as usual, so we had a great show and a great time. I really had fun, and the idea of enjoying it no matter what the circumstances is sinking in a bit. You'd think that would be obvious to someone who is there to be funny, but it's amazing how many things can tamper with that before you finally get on stage. I think the fact that they paid me BEFORE I even took the mic put me in just the right frame of mind - I had nothing to lose... ;-) . Thanks for the shot, Dan DeCapua! And Rusty, you are doing one helluva job with that room. 12/18/05 Look, Mom, I scanned it in! Thanks, Jane, for the memories. This was at the country club show earlier this year. Nick and Steve really know how to party, and let me tell you, those babies aren't chocolate. Well, ok, so they are and of course, they aren't lit. But as you can see, we are! 12/16/05 Jim Wiggins told me to have fun, and he's right. He's always been right. Whenever I decide to go up and have fun, the show turns out great. It's after midnight but I made it home safe from tonight's show, in spite of the ridiculous blizzard between Holt and Mason...what is up with that 5 minutes of highway? Why is it always such a pain in the ass??? I didn't care though because we had a great show tonight in Lansing. Special thanks to Wendy's parents, coming down from the Flint area. They got the biggest kick out of the headliner, B.T., cuz he was AWESOME. I love the way he acts stuff out. And of course, a huge thanks to Kathy and Joann for a delightful dinner between friends before the show, and for their laughter throughout. I really had fun tonight. Wiggins is so right. And B.T. is right on. He's a pleasure to work with because it's quite obvious he is going to have fun no matter what. And he's pretty hot - look at him!!! 12/15/05 What a show in Lansing last night! 12 people showed up, only three with a sense of humor, so I just want to say again how much I love doing stand-up. When the ratio of waitpeople to customers is 3:1 and we have to bill a guy $67 for a glass of water to break even, you know someone will end the night with a shrug and say, "That's show biz." Not even show "business." Just biz. That's what we say in the biz. Biz. Many thanks to Charlie and Lisa for being the two with the sense of humor! (I was the third.) I'm going back again tonight. I'm sure things will pick up...the weekend is approaching and hell, it's the holidays! I remember when I was in college a hundred years ago, Thursday night was always bar night. Nothing says funny like a bunch of punch drunk college kids who actually walked to the club. I don't even care if they pay attention. I just want them to like my outfit. 12/14/05 Fellow comedian Michael Kosta was in the studio for a taping last night - it was great to have him on the show! We've been doing comedy for about the same amount of time now, and we're both keeping our day jobs cuz who knows where this thing is going. What I like about Mike is he's hot but he doesn't put on airs. Or air dirty laundry. Or blow a lot of hot air. There's nothing airy about Mike. He's got substance. He's got skills but he doesn't rub it in. Unless he's in Montreal. In a heated tennis match, against an opponent who is kicking his ass. That's when the wheels come off. Michael is not a bad sport, but let's just say he is extremely accurate when throwing a tennis ball across court at his foe. You can be sure the guy deserved it. And it was worth the $100 fine (big deal, Canadian money). This is what you end up talking about when Michael visits. That, and crotch karate. Don't miss this show. If I could tell you when it's gonna be on, I would. 12/12/05 I think the more the snow flies the more time flies or somethin', cuz before you know it, it's gonna be Christmas. And all this snow is all my fault. I dreamt of a white Christmas several days ago and that's when all this hoopla started. And of course it never snows unless I have to be somewhere. And boy have I had to be somewhere lately. I had to be in Toledo 4 nights last week and EVERY night it snowed on the way home. So I am getting acquainted with everyone else who drives around late at night in a blizzard. Friday night was so bad I actually sacrificed exiting at Dundee for a cheeseburger because the guy in front of me was such a good leader I didn't want to lose him. He was doing 50 and making great tracks in the snow - I don't know how he could tell where the road was, but I assumed he had special powers and simply trusted his instincts. He was probably high, but I was in no position to judge. At times he would pull ahead and I really thought I might lose him, so I would shake my fist at him and yell, "I gave up a cheeseburger in Dundee for you, asshole, wait for me!!!" And then I'd give it a little more gas on black ice, hold my breath and somehow keep him in sight. I eventually lost him when I had to get on 94. I think he was heading for Ypsi. 12/11/05 Just want to wish Wendy a happy birthday! You don't look a day over 29 ... thanks so much for all you do, not just for me, but I know I speak for many others when I say you are the coolest. 12/4/05 Four hot shows at the Holly this weekend - it was office party city and everyone was just boozin' it up. Especially the comics just so we could cope with those yahoos in the 2nd show on Saturday night. Steve Iott rocks, and I don't care how many times he says horseshit or slacks, it just kills me. He was a pleasure to work with. I hope some day I can almost kick people out of a show as well as he can. Phenecia was hilarious; she's one of the few I can watch over and over again and still belly laugh. That turkey leg hanging from the plus size sign gets me every time. And many thanks to David and Tracy for coming to the show! It's always great to have family and friends in the crowd. I know I gush a lot about the Holly, but it really is a great place to see a show, and Nancy runs that room like a pro. Probably because she is. I mean, it's her job. Duh. The whole weekend was very entertaining, but of course I live in Michigan so it all ended as usual with me driving home in a whiteout at 2:00 a.m. I absolutely love going 45 in the tracks of a total stranger on a remote highway with no real sense of where the road actually is. Last night I just tried to keep up with the guy in front of me. I stayed with him. I was on him like white on snow. I ended up in Kalamazoo. I met his Mom. They're very nice. We're going to do lunch next week... 12/2/05 Clearly it has been a long and involved Thanksgiving holiday for me. I'd like to say I've completely avoided the computer since I last wrote, but of course, no one would believe me considering I am never more than 2 feet from being on-line at any given moment. I'm working on some sort of interface where this page I call my "thoughts" actually comes directly from my brain, eliminating the need to type. If there were a way to drag out sentences with the mouse or something I would participate a lot more. It's the typing that gets me. See, cuz I never took typing (what?!). It's true. While all my cute little high school friends were whizzing through typing 101, 102 AND 103, I scoffed and took Journalism instead. That way I could learn to type in columns on the Apple IIe instead of in lines on the big clunky boat anchor typewriters for dummies in room 223. So I use the Columbus method - seek and find. I know where some of the letters are now just from years of working on computers, but i don't know if I have the keyboard "memorized" per se. Case in point: Lori Newman's keyboard down at the front desk is completely worn out. I mean the letters on this thing are all rubbed off, but she doesn't care cuz you know, she's a typer. I went to fix something on her pc the other day and panicked. Where's the H? where's the T? What would Columbus do??? I just closed my eyes and used the force. It totally worked!!! I'm typing this right now with Yoda in my head, dressed like Columbus. Anyhoo, I digress. My point was, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thanks for asking. 11/23/05 I was supposed to go emcee the open mic tonight at Wise Guys in Novi, but with the winter storm coming and snow flying everywhere, I asked for a reprieve. Plus I have been fighting the flu off and on for a week. I don't know what flu symptoms are, necessarily, but I have been very dizzy. Moreso than usual anyway. Rumor has it that means high blood pressure or serious constipation. I never thought I'd pray for high blood pressure...Now it's going to be an all boy show at Wise Guys without me! It's the biggest party night of the year...throw in 3 inches of snow, 22 degrees and 50 mile an hour winds, and you've got Mrs. Toad's Wild Ride on the way home. Maybe I'm becoming an old fuddy duddy or a nervous mervyn (terms my mom might use), but I just can't see me risking my life on Thanksgiving Eve. I think it could be a well-attended show and trust me, if I were local, I'd be there! But you know I want to enjoy my turkey tomorrow all in one piece (me being all in one piece, that is), so I'm hanging out in Jacktown tonight. I wish the boys in Novi all the best - they are a great group, especially Mike for letting me off the hook. I look forward to many more joyous open mics in the future. Plus, I'll be there this Fri and Sat emceeing two shows a night with Keith Ruff anyway! By then this snow will have melted, right? Ain't that how it works in Michigan....? 11/21/05 You guessed it. I did not hang the holiday lights. I was pretty excited about the prospect. It was a beautiful weekend - perfect weather, really. But somehow I found other things to do. Like the parade downtown on Friday night! That was a blast. I don't know if you've ever been to downtown Jackson's holiday parade and festival of lights (I added that second part for effect), but it is fabulous. You've never seen so many truly unique representations of Christmas in your life. I don't know what I enjoyed more: the John Deere tractors (all 10 of 'em plus the little one driven by Elmo) or the 27 Red Hat Ladies on a flatbed callin' themselves the red hot mamas. I was thrilled to see all the kids dressed as presents and elves and snowflakes, and each of the 7 high school marching bands version of Joy to the World was, well, joyous. It was cold out there, but not too cold for Spongebob or Scooby Doo or that 7th grader in a banana suit. Apparently there were 80 "special characters" in the parade, all of which made me wonder if this thing was a little too close to Halloween this year. Some of our good citizens were clearly just making it back from a monster bash. But hey, I love a parade and there was definitely a spirit in the air and some spirits being passed along the roadway cuz everybody was cheering and giving it up for the man of the hour: Santa! I talked to him briefly and according to his records, I have been NICE this year. Whew!!! Anyway, I spent the rest of the weekend recovering from all that excitement, so my lights are still in the basement and the inflatable is still in the garage, but who's to say I won't get it out this coming weekend ... 11/17/05 I can't believe I haven't had a single thought in three days. Well, what's to think about? The holidays are coming, and I am in charge of outdoor lights at home. I think lights are o.k., but I have my eye on one of those giant inflatables. They have new ones this year that look like snow globes - like those paperweights that you can tip upside down and it looks like it's snowing? You don't have to tip them upside down to get that effect. They have that blower inside that keeps the thing inflated, so someone came up with the brilliant idea of making it a clear plastic and filling it with those little styrofoam balls. And the blower keeps the styrofoam balls flying around like snowflakes! They have a few different "scenes," but I'm leaning toward the one with the kids and the snowman. If only you keep your kids inside a bubble like that for real. Then you'd always know where they are. And you could control the air supply. Clearly, there are many reasons I don't have kids and should never be allowed. But I like other peoples' kids!!! Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I gotta decorate the house, and now that it's snowing, my timetable on this just got moved up in a hurry. Better up the insurance this weekend - I'll be on the roof. 11/14/05 My parents think I should say "radical" instead of awesome. Radical! I'll work on it. 11/14/05 Remind me not to use the stairs if Peg's around. I was curled up with a good book yesterday and now I've got the write-a-novel bug again. Most people get the flu. When I start feeling dizzy and light-headed I know I should be writing. I only read a select group of authors, and when their new stuff comes out I am all over it. Then I sit back and wait for them to write something else. Well Patricia Cornwell's latest, "Predator", has me on the edge of my seat right now. I read almost the whole thing yesterday and then I gave up with 35 pages to go because I realized I can read a lot faster than she can write. I better make this last or I'm gonna be doing odd jobs around the house until her next one comes out. And I don't really feel like sweeping out the garage yet. That little family of squirrels living in my golf bag deserves a few more days of peace I suppose. I hate to run the gas out of the mower just yet considering I live in Michigan and it could be 80 tomorrow. But I will get the snow blower ready. That usually keeps it from snowing. Especially if I spend a few hours detailing it, you know put a lot of work into it, fill it full of gas and show that I am totally prepared for winter. As long as I keep it like that, it won't snow. So you know when it snows tomorrow, I opted to finish the book. 11/12/05 Per my friend Peggy V (a.k.a. Chuck)THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some people are like Slinkies, they're not good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs!!! 11/9/05 By the way it has come to my attention that I say awesome way too much. I'm begging you, if you have an alternative word in mind, please e-mail me and let me know what I can say instead. I will try to work it into my conversations and certainly credit you with helping me overcome this affliction. Damn you, Dave Pate!!! 11/9/05 We had an awesome show on the set last night at The Daily Fix...that's right, Dwayne Gill was in the barn!!! I love Dwayne. He's so damn nice for a cop. And he's very funny, which helps when you are also a comedian. A cop with a sense of humor. Who knew? Well he had all sorts of stuff to report and good stories, too, so I'm really looking forward to airing that episode. He was a great guest, and I believe he will be here in Jackson featuring at the Saddle Saloon on Thursday, December 15, so you should check it out! Also in the chair last night was Aaron Bortz, a newbie comic fresh off Chili's class. You look at this guy and you'd never think anything would upset him, but he's absolutely hilarious when he's upset. He's going through a lot of things at the moment, all contributing to his newfound interest in stand-up comedy, but at his core Aaron is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet and sit around a campfire with. I enjoyed interviewing him for the show - I think we'll see more of him on the stand-up scene, and I for one am looking forward to it! Stay tuned for air dates on these two awesome guests . . . 11/6/05 Went to the Inferno last night - thanks Pete for giving me 4 minutes! That place is hot. Good crowd, good comics, a fun evening all around. They're doing open mic on Sundays between Improv shows, which I think is a pretty good idea. It seems to be attracting more people. The Eye Candy Improv Troup was quite entertaining. They were so sweet I couldn't take my eyes off them. I should get back there more often. Seems like a relaxed place to try out new stuff, and it's definitely a smarter crowd. Must be that college nearby or something. I enjoyed seeing my friends Jawon and Brent - great stuff as always from the two of them. And I'm starting to think Michael Kosta is funnier than he is good-looking. He should dress like a Christmas tree more often. 11/4/05 Just wanted to say thanks to Peg, Connie, Connie's mom, Ellen, George, McCully, Dan and Connie, Chris (Happy Birthday!) and Jeff, Aunt Rhonda, Babs, little blond girl next to Aunt Rhonda, Tim, Wendy!, Claudia, Jen, other hair people, Phil Curtis, Randy and the only person in the crowd who didn't know me, "Donna," - you made it a show last night at the Saddle Saloon! Without you, it would have been me, Donna and the bartender. Oh, and the door guy. It was the first time I'd ever heard the headliner give the crowd rave reviews. After you left, he couldn't stop drinking, smoking and talking about how great you all were. Also a shout out to my Red Hat Ladies hangin' out at CCJ...they let me chat at them for 20 minutes after their dinner before I headed over to the Saloon. Thanks, Connie Dwyer - you are a very spirited and fun group of ladies! :-) 11/3/05 Had fun in Novi last night at the Wise Guys open mic. So many boys, so little time. I got to emcee, which is cool cuz people see you 14 times instead of just once. It's all about marketing and number of impressions, baby. I don't do impressions but I like to make them whenever possible. One of the open micer's friends drew this pic for me last time I was in Novi, which I now have the rights to, so if you want a copy you have my permission to right click on it and make it your wallpaper or whatever. No charge! We were going to have a Garfield draw-off, but the guy panicked and this is what he came up with. I can tell you my drawing looked a lot more like Garfield, but I don't have the rights to that to show it. By the way, I am emceeing at the Saddle tonight in Jackson...they are thinking of cancelling comedy there due to low turn-outs. If you can come out to support the show at 9:00 p.m., do it! I'd love to see you and I'm sure the Saddle Saloon would appreciate seeing the true potential for comedy in Jackson. I mean who doesn't want to laugh? Laughter is the best medicine besides Jim Behm. 11/1/05 And how was your Halloween? Did you scare the bejesus out of anyone? That's one of the keys to having a good Halloween. There's too much bejesus before Halloween. Then the next day, all gone. We had a lot of cute kids come through our neighborhood. The best dressed was easily the 3-year old cow girl. She had big thick yarn hair tied in pony tails under a 3.5 gallon hat and her skirt was actual cow-hide with the black and brown spots. She was unarmed but I think I caught a glimpse of a lasso. She had bone-colored cowboy boots, great for kicking pumpkins. She kicked ours pretty good even though we said, treat! treat! no tricks! Oh well, we don't really need the pumpkin anymore now, do we? We also had blinky blinky skeletons around our front stoop, which apparently hypnotized her. She stared at 'em for a long time and finally her mom was like, we gotta go pumpkin. Which I found an ironic term of endearment considering she just kicked the hell out of ours. I loved her spirit! Someday I'll see her cheering for Jackson High and I'll be yellin', hey, it's cow girl!!! Hopefully she will have high self-esteem. 10/30/05 A bunch of firemen in Jackson just got fired for having sex in the firehouse while on duty. Scandalous! Apparently, there weren't enough fires to keep them busy so they got busy. What a hot story! Of course they got caught. That's what happens when you play with fire. 10/28/05 Have you ever interviewed an opera singer? Well I did last night, and he just happens to be one of the best in the world (also my uncle, Richard Fracker). I asked him the basic questions, you know, like why opera? And what’s up with those costumes? But I also got the inside scoop on what it takes to sing that loud and how you teach others to sing. Cuz he’s not just an opera singer, he’s the opera god at MSU. Which is way amazing because that guy is about as true go blue as they come. I’ve never known a more committed Wolverine. Or more of a Wolverine who should be committed. But hey, he’s obviously evolved, so I give him credit. What I didn’t ask him and I wish I would have is how do you go through your normal daily routine and not just want to sing everything? With a voice like that, I’d be like, GOOD MOOOOOOOOOORNING EVVVVEEERYYONE… I’LL HAAAAAVE THE WESTERN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM-E-LET. I mean, if ya got it, flaunt it. In retrospect, we really should have sung the interview. I've always wanted to be a diva! 10/27/05 So I graduated again last night. I have another degree in comedy. I am Chili-certified. I won’t know the full affects of having that distinction for quite some time. Right now I just feel like eating a whole bag of Doritos and going to Jamaica. The class was great and my classmates even greater. From them I learned what it’s like to shower with a black man and be an engineer, but not at the same time. I know where Pooh Corner is, and I have a newfound sympathy for people who are Irish and bald (at the same time). I’ve never been Catholic, but I like the language. Suddenly, I want to talk to the hand. Where’s my f’n Bible? I still don’t know what a burm is, but I’ve been exposed to the word a lot. That and the word shit. Which, apparently, is everywhere. I look forward to meeting Dr. Cinnamon. Perhaps she can find a cure for asthma triggered by bad breath. All of these references may seem obscure to you, but if any of the dirty 13 are reading this right now, I just want to say thanks for the memories and keep getting up on stage!!! It is the only way you will ever know how funny you can really be. (Oh, and you gotta lose the notecards!!!) 10/25/05 We had a great shoot on The Daily Fix set tonight - Jawon Lee and Crystal P were in the house! They both made awesome guests. I'm really looking forward to airing those shows later in November - I think everyone will enjoy getting to know two of my favorite chick comics a little better. Crystal took first in the Chelsea contest we had earlier this month and Jawon was a close second. This comedy thing has not only given me a creative outlet and a chance to routinely perform on stage, but I've also met a ton of really great people. We're all out there trying, and it's fun to see others around you succeed, get booked, win a contest, have a great audition or whatever. Even if it's not you, you feel a part of it because you know that comic. You worked with him or her. You shared the same stage. I know I have a ways to go, things to work on, many more jokes to write. But one thing I didn't expect when I started was getting the support of fellow comics and making so many new friends. It's a fun circle to be in, and even in your quietest moments on stage, when you hear the crickets or someone actually whispers "I don't get it" while sipping a drink that apparently isn't strong enough...you know you will do better next time. Or at least you know you will get sympathy from a fellow comic. Thank you Jawon Lee and Crystal P for sharing the journey. 10/24/05 Do you have your "I (insert heart) Garcia" bumper sticker yet??? 10/22/05 I never should have said I yell in the car. Now I got people asking me if I was ever mad at them but never said anything cuz I yell in the car. Now I think people think as soon as I get in the car I just start yelling. That is so not true. I only yell in the car when I am on trips longer than 20 minutes and if I am actually mad about something, which honestly is very rare. It takes a highly unusual and irritating series of circumstances to even get me riled up. Things have to happen in certain maddening combinations. Seriously, I am mild-mannered to the point of dull. I would make a horrible redhead. I would make a wonderful puppy. By the way I interviewed Kate Brindle on the show the other night and she was fabulous! I'm really looking forward to our first air date, which will likely be October 31. Originally, we were going to be on the air with The Daily Fix, well, daily. As in M-F. But the reality is we can only get the 6 pm time slot on Mon thru Wed, so we may just run with that for a while. Some Bible study group bought Thurs and Fri 6 pm slot out from under us and I was yelling about that in the car for a while, but I'm ok now. The shows are really coming together, though, and I think they're going to be fun to watch. Let me know if you think of a good subject or person who should be a guest. We're open to suggestion! 10/20/2005 I was at Wise Guys for the first time last night and holy college boy show...with the exception of my soul pole Kool-Aid and my secret crush Jeff Dwoskin (sorry Jeff Dwoskin's wife) showing up, it seemed like just one cub scout after another. Well, dirty cub scouts. The kind that probably wouldn't make it past weeblos. Don't get me wrong - they were funny. I just wish they weren't so youthful. I was once again the only chick. Where were all my funny gal pals??? Probably working for real somewhere. It was great to see this new club firsthand, though, cuz I'm emceeing there at the end of November. Props to Mike the emcee and open mic coordinator - he is very organized and I think deserved a little more appreciation for his set. The crowd was pretty much all comics, so it's a challenge to get them to pay any attention to you when all they're thinking about really is what they're gonna do. I did some new stuff. I hate doing new stuff but it's how you grow. I wonder if it's normal to love your material one day and hate all of it in its entirety, beginning to end, the next. I'm in a love-hate relationship with my jokes right now. I want to write more, but I've always been one of those people that funny just sort of happens to. I can't force it. I just need to listen for it, and not let it pass me by unnoticed . . . what a load of crap!!! Nothing funny ever happens to me, and that's the problem. None of my jokes start with "A funny thing happened to me on the way to..." cuz first of all, I hardly ever go anywhere but work, and second of all I am a horrible driver. Sober or not, I am just bad. Not crash into people bad, just annoyingly bad because I don't drive as well as others. I hug the center line and then gradually hug the shoulder line for a while. And then back to the center. I go exactly the speed limit or sometimes a few miles over and then a few minutes later I am actually going a few miles under. I talk to myself when I am alone in my car and I talk loud, sometimes getting into fights I should have had in person with the person I have a beef with. So I'm driving and arguing and soon winning the argument becomes more important than using a blinker or downshifting. I let people cut me off. I invite them in. I think sometimes I am like Wonder Woman flying her invisible plane and my car is invisible because people always turn into my lane just a split second ahead of me as though I don't even exist. And I wonder if my car is invisible but like Wonder Woman, I am not, and surely you can see me hovering above the road in a seated position coming toward you? My point is, nothing funny ever happens to me. 10/18/05 It's taken me this long to recover from the Lions ultimate loss to the Panthers in the last few seconds of the game. The thing is, as soon as I saw we had a 6-point lead with 3 minutes to go and one of our guys basically flattened the Carolina starting quarterback, I knew we would lose 21-20. I can't believe I'm still saying "we." Who's the Lions' second-string quarterback? I wish Harrington would get flattened. 10/16/05 Ok so my gig to Milwaukee is on, but now it's more than a one-nighter! It's going to be Dec 28-31 at Jokers with Billy Gardell! I am so looking forward to working with him again. That guy's hilarious. What a fun way to ring in New Year. I've never been to Milwaukee but I hear there's a river of beer around the city and you can get cheese samples on every corner. Nirvanna! I should be doing my homework for comedy class tomorrow but I'm watching the Lions field goal the Panthers to death. 10/13/05 Susan Milhoan was a guest on the show the other night and it was a blast! Of course we chatted about the usual goings on in Jackson (after all, she is the President), but I also got some inside scoop on the inner workings of this witty yet often cool customer. While I never manage to ask all the questions I'm supposed to remember, she did come clean as an author of three books, none of which are published but all do have potential. If you see her, do ask about them because I think she might go public with enough interest. One is about hockey. Wait till you hear the title (you'll have to watch the show). By the way, my gig in Milwaukee got cancelled for the second time. So put the party bus on hold till I find out the revised destination... 10/11/05 Ok this is a shout out to my cousin Luke who is now managing my career. Granted, he's not quite 5 and maintains youthful good looks, but don't be deceived by his naivity (have no idea how to spell that, I just know it's not nativity). Luke has already shown my web site to all his buddies at school and is secretly coveting the color green. I have frog art from this kid that would rival Da Vinci. While I haven't exactly gotten any gigs off his handy work, the fact that he is deeply Spartan assures me something will come of this. Thanks for all the props, Luke - it's nice to know you're out there mixin' it up for cousin Susie! 10/10/05 It was a beautiful day yesterday for the Grand Opening at Art 634 in Jackson...a fantastic turn-out! At one point I overheard someone say "I think all of Jackson is here..." which of course, was totally out of whack because there were a lot of people there, but no way was EVERYONE there. I noticed she also had two cups of wine in her hand and kept talking to the birdhouse exhibit. Anyway, hundreds of people came throughout the day, without a doubt, and over 30 artists displayed their works with pride. We had two improv shows and they were a hit! Our biggest gatherings yet, and that made it all the more fun to make stuff up on the spot and see where it goes. Next month we are supposed to be in a new room at the other end of the building, which will become the permanent home of Left of Center. Looking forward to many more second Sundays with the awesome improv troupe! 10/9/05 What a weekend! The Chelsea Grill Chix Mixx Comedy Contest was a smashing success with Crystal P taking top honors. My dear friend Jawon Lee was a close second, and in fact all of the funny gals made it a tight race and a hilarious show in the thriving metropolis of Chelsea, Michigan. I'd say we had about 65 guests, which ain't bad for the first time, and the Grill is already talking about what to do next. The staff there is fabulous! I think they have many more fun shows ahead of them. Pictured at right is me with winner Crystal P and the very funny Kris Ann McKenzie, fresh off her Boston Comedy Festival run. Big thanks to Kris Ann, Kim Knight, Jody Brown, Diane Guth, Robbin Tenglin, Jawon and Crystal for putting on such a great show and giving the crowd their best 8 minutes. My buddy Tim was truly flawless as emcee - very professional. Nothing makes a show like a good guest set. Thank you, Bob Stackhouse, for your male perspective in the midst of all that estrogen. 10/5/05 Sorry I didn't write anything on 10/4. I've always liked 10-4. It's the same as "got it" or "that's an affirmative, good buddy." I don't know the entire trucker language, but if I were spying on them, I could get by. So my good friend and fellow comedienne Phenecia Banks was on the show last night. In the words of Dave Pate, awesome! She was a fantastic guest and we had a lot of fun chatting about her recent escapades at the Boston Comedy Festival. Phe was a Christian Comic for seven years before coming out as a mainstreamer just over a year ago, and look at her! She was invited to Boston! AND, from there she was called into another ladies only contest sponsored by Sierra Mist. To top it off, she actually went to New York and performed at the APOLLO. People, that is the epitome of "rough crowd." You have got to keep an eye on "The Daily Fix" on Comcast Channel 20 weekdays at 6:00 p.m. starting later this month so you can hear all about what the Apollo was like. You will really enjoy getting to know Phe! Meanwhile, I think I have suppressed the cold that might have been...buy stock in Halls and of course, Jim Beam, that's all I'm sayin'. 10/03/05...minutes later Dammit!!!! I just started coughing. Rum never works. Better call my Granddad. Hope you sleep better than I know I won't. I knew this guy in college who could call up the power of his antibodies and force sickness away. He had zero body fat and was always eating whole heads of lettuce. I think he's a rabbit now, but his point is well-taken. Mind over matter. I can fight this thing. 10/03/05 Please take your vitamin C. I have been out of it for the last few days and already I have a sore throat. I am usually very good about taking my vitamins but whenever I run out, I am very bad about getting more. I have to get more before I run out. So it's either my fault for not taking my vitamin C or yours cuz somehow I picked up your germs. We all have to stick together on this people - I'm not going to the store right now per se cuz I just had two cocktails for medicinal purposes. First thing tomorrow, however, I'm scorin' some C. I do not want to get a cold!!! 9/28/05 So I was at the Am Vet Post in Adrian last night for a 7:30 p.m. show with Keith Ruff. We had a blast, even though there were only 8 people there. Well, there were more people there, but only 8 wanted to come over to the other half of the room and see some comedy. It was $1 beer night and I think what happened was, they closed the divider between the bar and the stage and people at the bar panicked and thought they would be cut off from the beer if they went in to see the show. It doesn't matter - at least the post commander had a good time! After the show, two of the guys demonstrated their skills on the skill crane, teaming up to win me a little boy I have named Jimmy Beam. It's not a real boy!!! (see photos). Sheesh. I couldn't handle that. I would have lost him for sure on the way home. Many thanks to my buddy Keith for hooking me up with this gig. Great people! 9/24/05 I featured at the Holly this weekend! Three great shows Friday & Saturday night...it was great to be the middle act. I got to do 20 minutes and hang with the crowd for a bit. What a bonus, too - there were TWO bachelorette parties. I can't believe how many people are still tying the knot. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. My parents did it twice! 9/22/05 What happens in Vegas...ends up on my web site. My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary in style by renewing their vows at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas on September 20, 2005. Once again, I am always the bridesmaid, but in this case, I was also the flower girl, best man, photographer, witness and the only one in the end who could dive for the bouquet, though my Mom never did toss it. You're always supposed to say "It was a beautiful ceremony," and it was, but it was also in the same place Brittney Spears got married on a whim. Oh yeah, and on the way to the chapel, some guy in a Durango turned into us and scraped our limo. So we had to wait a while for a second limo. When we finally got to the chapel, Elvis was there to greet us. And the professional photographer took a supplied roll of film, snapped 12 quick pics and gave us back the roll. (Nothin' says class like develop your own wedding pictures.) The organist was a 107-year-old German fella with Harry Carey glasses and the slickest silver hair you've ever seen. The minister was a dear woman with a sing songy voice who led us poetically through the meaning of love, life and union and closed the deal in 8 minutes. She actually teared up and truth be told, I know she was moved. My dad said some pretty cool things about mistakes and forgiveness and love and understanding and my mom said i love you with all my heart at least three times. My only line was, strangely enough, "I do." (When asked 'who gives these two to be married' or something like that.) Then we all cried, Harey Carey launched into some festive exit song, and we marched out of the chapel. A few more photos snapped and then off to the employee lounge for a complimentary Coke. Plus we had to write a witness statement for the limo accident. Congratulations, Mom and Dad! The Little White Wedding Chapel is famous for drive through weddings. Since they weren't in that much of a hurry, my parents went ahead and did the indoor ceremony. I was the bridesmaid. Finally, an outfit I'm pretty sure I'll wear again. I'm pretty sure my parent's first wedding didn't involve filling out a statement as an accident witness, but hey, this was Vegas. Mom wrote that she saw a car turn in the wrong way and scrape our limo. Then she signed it. Dad wrote a three-page dissertation with play by play diagrams and several drawings from different angles. I thought his artist rendering of the fuming limo driver was right on. Four hours later, we got back in the limo and celebrated with a Coke and a smile! 9/17/05 I have homework. I'm taking a class with Chili on Monday nights and here it is Saturday and of course I have not done my homework. Just like old times. I've known about the assignment since last Monday but of course I "haven't had time" to really do any of it. I keep thinking about it. The thing is, I have to rant about something and the truth is, I am a horrible ranter. Maybe I could rant about that. About how I just can't rant. I try to get upset about things. I really do. Like cold coffee. But I don't even like coffee so I just can't sympathize when someone bitches about their cold coffee. I'm like, hey, you shouldn't even be drinking that shit in the first place. Sometimes I get pissed at people who drive really slow in front of me and I'm like you freak, pull over. Get out the way. At least put your hazards on. Good Christ I'm never gonna get there. And then I think, I'm not really going anywhere important. Let's face it, there's no real sense of urgency in my life. The beer isn't going anywhere. And what if the person who's driving in front of me is deaf? He's got it worse. Here I am yelling at him and it's all falling on deaf ears anyway. But surely he can see me gesturing wildly behind him. Maybe he's blind too. That would explain why he's driving so damn slow. He can't hear and he can't see. I guess I'd be a little careful driving under those conditions, too. I've been in whiteouts. I'm a Michigan girl. That used to make me mad, too. Living here where it's always too cold or too hot. But now I can't even rant about that because you try to complain about it and then someone always has to play the hurricane card. "Well, at least you don't have hurricanes." You got me there. I gotta go clean out the car. I'm even willing to detail the car all Saturday to avoid doing my homework. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna write about. 9/14/05 Last night at Joey's we did a hurricane relief show based on The Aristocrats joke. There were about a dozen comics, all of whom I know and admired until now. The Aristocrats joke brought out the worst and consequently the best in many of my peers. Despite the small crowd (1:1 ratio comic to customer I believe), everyone laughed pretty hard and got a kick out of just how far some were willing to go. While I initially thought my take was pretty disgusting, I bow to Matthew McConnaughy (not sure of last name) and Matt Nicole. Russ Brown was also a crowd pleaser. Her vagina was like a trampoline. Priceless. Special nod to Marty Butler for creative use of the word podcast. I don't know if we raised as many dollars as eyebrows, but I sure had fun. If you think you can handle it, you're welcome to read my version of The Aristocrats. Mom, it's basically a dirty joke... 9/12/05 Yesterday we did Improv at the Armory Arts building. I'm having so much fun with these guys! The first couple of times we did it, we were kind of feeling out the games, but now it's like everybody just jumps in and the results are really fun. We had a decent crowd, too, which always helps. We're doing it on the second Sunday of every month at 1:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. If you like unpredictable sketch comedy, come on down and check it out. On behalf of Diego, Jason, Sandy, Andy, Mike, Kim, John and Pam (and whoever else shows up) - we'd love to see you there! 9/11/05 Today is my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. Can you believe it? 40 years!!! I don't know whether to be thrilled for them or sad for me cuz I am seriously pushing the big 4-0 now and it just ain't right. Well, I'll focus on them because it is their special day. 40 years ago today they united in holy matrimony. How do they want to celebrate? They're goin' to Vegas!!! Next weekend we're gonna head out there and hit the big one, or at least try to keep our shirts. My mom likes to play the slots, but she doesn't want to lose more than $30. That puts her on a machine for about 30 seconds. Next up: sight-seeing. They also want to re-new their vows....I think that's so cool! We are researching Elvis chapels. Any suggestions, please write in... 9/10/05 Leo's Komedy Korner in Windsor rocks! I was there tonight doing a guest set and had a great time with a modest crowd. Well, they weren't actually modest, just modest in numbers. It was "Kelly's" birthday and her table was doing blow job after blow job cuz that was the drink special. (Mom, that's a shot of something with whip cream on top - it's a drink. I was not at a sex club.) So it was a fun group. Stony Phillips emceed and he was one of the best I've seen - I never met him before but I really liked the way he warmed up the crowd. Jeff Ford was doing a guest set, too - haven't seen him in a while so it was good to catch up. I enjoyed Keith Lenard as the feature - he's coming to the Saddle in Jackson some time this fall so I highly recommend checking him out. And of course, Leo headlined and was priceless. I did about 10 minutes and loved it - the energy was good and I had a blast...thank you, Leo's, for taking me international! 9/9/05 Went to see The Aristocrats with my cousin Dan last night. Not sure which was more telling - the comedians revealing their special joke or the moments when Dan laughed really hard. Dan and I are the same age and spent a fair amount of time together as kids, but this is the first time we've done anything together in forever, and it was, I guess, just like old times. The last vivid memory I have of Dan and I laughing really hard together was New Year's Eve when we were maybe 11 or 12. This has been our secret since then, but with The Aristocrats now out, maybe it's a good time to air it. Dan's brother is two year's younger and was fast asleep. Dan and I were counting down to midnight. 10-9-8....you know the drill. Just as we got to 3-2.... 1! Matt let out one of the biggest farts I've ever heard. Just blew it out right when we were yelling Happy New Year. And the kicker is, it didn't even wake him up. He slept through the whole thing. We never told him. But we laughed till we practically peed. I heard some of that in Dan's laugh last night, so I guess that's the kind of humor you can expect if you go see The Aristocrats. I liked the movie all right, but let me just say when a mime is the highlight of a film... 9/6/05 Labor Day weekend was a much-needed break. Do you jet ski? If not, you should. I don't really go that fast, and I'm never really out of control on the thing, but there's something about racing along wavy water and skipping harmlessly over every single bump without even feeling it. The wind in your hair. Occasional spray of water in your face. Sun everywhere in a blue blue sky. It's one of those "king of the world" moments (but don't let go of the handle bars). I don't want to feel guilty about it, but I do. Did I earn that moment? I suppose. Now it's back to reality. And my desk isn't moving fast enough...(photo by David "This Camera is Not Waterproof" Truchan). 9/3/05 Many thanks to Lance and Lynn for coming to the show at Ridley's Saturday night! Lance was celebrating his 29th (ahem) birthday - we joined them for dinner at Cameron's in Birmingham (holy shi-shi!!!) and had a blast before the show. I've never seen so many BMW's and Lexi (Lexuses?) in my life. Lance and Lynn are AWESOME and truly my favoritest hip people in the world. Every 6 weeks Lance does my hair all foofy and it looks just fabulous until I get it home and sleep on it. Then I spend the next 5 weeks and 6 days trying to achieve what he can do in 30 minutes. Sigh. Hair is not my forte. I mean, I have hair. But that's where it ends. Thanks again, you two! 9/2/05 I was up at Ridley's last night (and the night before!) and had a great time with Stewart Francis and Kevin LaPine. Kevin also does magic so I learned how to eat razor blades (or how not to). Stewart Francis is the funniest Canadian I've met since Leo DuFour (now I know TWO Canadians!!!); his one-liners had the crowd in stitches. I emceed the show and felt pretty good about my big "professional" debut at this awesome club. Special thanks to Kate and Jim Smock for coming to the show - it was great to see you there right up front! My class with Chili Challis starts next Monday; it's just the catalyst I need to write a tighter, funnier set. I am getting much more comfortable with people in the crowd, and I definitely think I can come up with even funnier material. Ridley's is always a great experience - thanks, Mark! 8/31/05 I haven't been writing because it's hard to say anything meaningful in the wake of Katrina. I can't really think about much else. I'm not even close to the region - I've never been to New Orleans. I was in Biloxi once. And I have seen the hotels along the gulf shores. But I don't know anyone from there. It's hard to imagine what it's really like, unless you look at everything you have and imagine it swept away across your neighborhood and into other neighborhoods and think about your photo album flipping unclaimed under an overpass for days on end. Think about some stranger finding one of your shoes wishing it was one of hers. And how those material things are just the surface but they are also what grounds you and now you have neither. I don't know anyone there but I think about them constantly and wish them comfort and peace. 8/26/05 Great show at the Country Club of Jackson Friday night. Headliner Keith Ruff and feature Brent Sullivan were hilarious and I had a great time with table 7 after the show...thanks for the laughs Tom, Suzanne, Jeff, Michelle, Byron and LaToya (I mean Tonya). That's Randy in the background after another night of videotaping. We got some more stuff for The Daily Fix. I'm thinking I'll have table 7 on as guests some day...Jeff has an "excavating" business I'm sure we'd all love to hear more about. 8/26/05 Charlie Cameron Fracker was born today! I am an Aunt for the SIXTH time....this is getting out of control, people. My sibs are birthin' babies left and right. Congrats to my brother Stan and his wife, Julie. Big boy Bennett now has a little brother. I predict they will be the best shortstop - 2nd baseman combo to ever play for the Detroit Tigers. Or, I'll at least take them to a game someday. Welcome to the world, Charlie! 08/25/05 This came from the Queen today. The Red Hatters enjoyed my visit. And Wendy is obviously a very good sport. 8/24/05 Ladies closing night at the Country Club if Jackson, all I can say is 5 under didn't win it but Phenecia Banks won over everyone with her awesome set! Everyone had a great time and Phe was awesome as usual with a little something extra for all my hometown girls coming off the golf course. It's never easy to be in a strange town trying to make strangers laugh, but Phe has a knack for making quick friends and getting big laughs...what a great show! Here's to Phe knocking their socks off at the upcoming comedy festival she qualified for in Boston; I'll be pulling for you, my friend! :-) 8/24/05 I just want to thank Anne Truchan (Wendy's Mom!) and her Red Hat Society pals for a great lunch today...what a treat to meet so many spirited women who simply love to wear bright red hats and even brighter purple dresses. In keeping with the rules, I had to wear a pink hat, and it was liberating. I'm wearing it right now. Haven't taken it off. It's a look, and I like it. The luncheon was in an antique store cafe, a delightful setting for ladies who love to chat and shop and chat, and as Carol pointed out, eat. Dessert first...I love it! 8/23/05 Brent Sullivan rocks!!! We had a great show and he was late for dinner with his parents. Is that so high school or what? Brent was an outstanding guest. Riveting. He had stories! You are gonna love the show he's on. We're not sure when it will air or even how it will look and sound, but the point is, it's on tape. We got it down. Stay tuned for a channel 20 schedule one of these days. If you're watching it right now I think it's lighthouses and music. Wouldn't you rather see Brent?! And my brother Wes. He was also on the show tonight with stockbroker tips. You can't beat that - we're funny and financially adept. Keep an eye out for The Daily Fix...tomorrow I'm in Owosso for the Red Hat Society luncheon. I may have to keep it clean but I'm brining my flask just in case. It's pink cuz I'm under 50. 8/22/05 Tomorrow evening we are featuring my dear friend Brent Sullivan on the show. I'm so excited! I think it's going to be the first time he's ever been in a barn. I can't wait to hear him smirk...i'm debating, sober or no? I want to be like Courtney Love, where you can't tell the difference. 8/21/05 Last night we went to Windsor to check out Leo's Komedy Korner. Great club! I'm going to try to get up for a set there in the future....Leo was fabulous! I learned a lot just by watching him not only deliver his material but work the crowd. His jokes are great, but it's his delivery that sells the show. He is a master, one of the best I've seen. If you have a chance to catch Leo DuFour, take it and be prepared to laugh your ass off. Thanks to Russ for tipping me off to this awesome room! 8/19/05 Today I shot a 13 on one hole at Hankerd Hills. The 9th hole. Which will from now on be referred to as the hole from hell. I don't know who designed this hole and I don't care. I just know that I could not have been in worse places unless they incorporated barbed wire and a dragon. I can't even really explain how it happened, but I can tell you it happened slowly. Painfully. And it had that 'will this ever end?' quality like getting a tooth drilled or the pores on the tip of your nose cleaned out by a Russian woman at a spa in Vegas. It was just instance after instance of horrible twists and turns like a typical day on the set of The Young and The Restless. I'd hit it into the woods, then into the fairway, then just in front of the creek, then over the creek but low and behold into a tree on the other side of the creek and oh, look, it's coming back toward me and falling into the creek...so i'm still in front of the creek with miles to go before i sleep, hey how about some sand now? Whaddaya say? Greenside bunker? Sure, but not in the sand, how about more like on the edge where sand meets grass just to add to the challenge? That way you can pick it clean out of there, fly the green and land in a pine tree by the parking lot, see. And that gives you the chance to try a 7-iron punch shot with your ball resting between two pine cones and a twig. Ignore the pine branch up your ass and two birds just pecking away at your head. That's it, now you're in the thick rough at the base of the hill next to the green. Better duff it to the top of the hill. Then from there you can putt it well past the hole, lag it up there from the other side and slam in a 3-footer with conviction just to remind your playing partners you have played before, a long time ago, on a course far far away. God I love this game. 8/17/05 Interviewed Mojo Phoenix for the show today....they are awesome! They were playing downtown during lunch. I met Cindy and we did 12 minutes of questions in 30 seconds. Finally, someone who talks as fast as I do and understands we are on a budget, people. Just as efficient was her partner, Tom. He is extremely adept at one word answers. Yeah. It's cool. They have built quite a following - FYI this year's blues festival drew 22,000 in Jackson. They are on their 9th cd release - check them out at Mojo Phoenix ! 8/16/05 My German cousin Daniel, his wife Iris and their friends Juergen and Patricia were on the show today! They've been visiting for the past week and a half and are leaving for Germany in a couple of days. So they came out to the studio and I squeezed all four of them into the flowered chair for an interview. I'm amazed at how well they speak English and at how much they have done on their vacation. They all have such unique personalities - I wanted to start a German "Friends" right then and there. But now my people have to call their people and who knows how this will all end up. I asked each of them to tell a joke in English on camera. The guys pulled it off, but Patricia needed my Mom to translate. And Iris asked my Dad for help, so he stood next to her and nodded and smiled a lot. He's a great translator, but sadly, also a mute. Thanks for the laughs, Germans! 8/14/05 Last night I emceed two shows at the Holly with Al Aprill headlining, and it was awesome. Great turn-out as far as the crowd goes for both shows - the basement was hoppin' that night! Had a birthday group passing around a photo of a guy in a speedo with a frying pan which really helped my act. I told my usual jokes, but let's face it, sometimes the crowd just hands you better shit. The late show was no different - I fell in love with three bald guys just like that. What's great about the Holly is you're right there in it the whole time. You're on the same level as the audience - there's no stage. So you can get right in someone's face if they're sitting up front (or even if they're in the middle of the room if you're willing to take three steps), and everyone really gets into it. It's just a great room - if you like people and you want to teach yourself more about how you interact with people, do 10 minutes at the Holly. I have learned more about myself and what makes a good show in my past three times at the Holly than I ever did at summer camp. And Al Aprill is fantastic. I hope some day I can deliver just like him - with ease and evident joy. 8/13/05 I got booked at the last minute to emcee at the Holly last night and tonight - thank you Russ Brown! Last night was a blast with Al Aprill and some boys from Toledo. I gave Nancy my web address, so Nancy if you are reading this, I think the Holly Hotel is the bomb!!! (Holy 80's....) And to that guy who looked like my brother, I will post your photo as soon as it's developed. Then we'll let the world be the judge (or at least the three visitors I usually get on Thursday). Looking forward to another fun show tonight! 8/11/05 So I finally found a use for that flowered chair we got on clearance 5 years ago at Ward's. Remember Montgomery Ward's? They were a much better resource than Wal-Mart is now as far as I'm concerned. You could always get a cheap piece of furniture there. Or a one-piece business suit in navy AND gray. The shells were just sewn right into the jacket. How convenient is that? It was like a poor man's JC Penney. I miss it. Anyway, we schlepped the chair over to the studio (thanks again, Steadman!!!) and I think our guests are going to be quite comfy. We do recommend they wear solids. And I guess if anyone wants to donate more carpet we won't have to lower our guests in from the ceiling... 8/9/05 We shot stuff at Veach's Office Bar last night for an upcoming episode of The Daily Fix. Jacktown Hustlers were playing and everybody there was having a great time. If you're in the mood to "hang out" and have a few drinks in a great atmosphere among very friendly people, I highly recommed tooling over to The Office! And if you're a trivia buff, Tuesday is Pub Quiz night! Who doesn't love trivia in the buff???Many thanks to Jeff Veach for letting us let the cameras roll in his fine establishment. If this keeps up, though, we may have to up the show's beer budget. My producer is a fish (but also a great guy)... ;-). 8/5/05 Last night I was in Ann Arbor at the Comedy Showcase for the semi-finals of the Michigan Comedy Survivor Contest. What a fun show! You can't beat performing with Vince Averill, Brent Sullivan and Dave Landau, I'll tell ya that right now. No really, I mean you can't beat it. I sure couldn't. Landau won. I went home empty-handed. Well, I did have 2.5 free drinks, too. And a nice conversation with Marty Butler and Russ Brown. That's worth losing in yet another contest any day. Next stop? The second annual "Golf for Good" outing hosted by Roger from the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase on Tuesday the 9th. Wendy and I hope we at least get to tee it up with Averill. If there were jumbotrons in golf, I'd want to see him up there. A big thank you to everyone who came out to the show last night, especially Wendy, Laura, TJ, Connie, Scott, Connie's mom, Peg, Judy, Abe, Chad, Fanny and Paul. And what a bonus, my best friend from 5th grade was there!!! Carrie Cummings. I haven't seen her in over 25 years. Is that wild, or what? She and her husband, Paul, were there for Robert Stackhouse who is moving on to the finals for the emcee division tonight. Congrats, Bob! Carrie obviously knows funny. 8/3/05 "The Daily Fix with Sue Fracker" is coming soon on Channel 20 for Comcast subscribers in Jackson! Who's gonna be on the show? Regular people. It's about stuff. Maybe you should tell me what YOU wanna see...??? 8/3/05 Holy cow where have I been?! I wish I could say the Bahamas or something, but the truth of the matter is I've literally had nothing much to report these last couple of weeks other than boring golf stuff. But, things have taken a turn for the better as we are about to kick off "The Daily Fix with Sue Fracker," a spontaneous talk show that will air on Comcast channel 20 starting in September. I promise I am much better at talking than writing in a journal. Stay tuned for details! 8/1/05 I am now resorting to featuring others in my journal. My sister was much more prolific than me today....enjoy! "I have completely lost my mind. I made homemade German potato salad (which is pretty damn awesome, I must admit) and some Berlin cake roll. I actually made homemade German Rye bread which SUCKED! I was so pissed that I threw the rock hard loaf across the room. What a waste of several frickin' hours. Oh well, I will stop by the bakery tomorrow for rye bread. Please pray for me tomorrow morning...I am making Brotchen. After the rye bread fiasco, I am afraid to make anything which requires yeast! Well, it is midnight and I just finished up making good ole fashioned American chocolate chip cookies. The Germans come tomorrow. Oh, and it is vacation Bible school week to add to the chaos. You, too, could be living this life if you would just quit your job and become my nanny. Love, Tess." The reason my sister is baking all of a sudden is because our German cousins are in the states this week visiting. I offer them a six pack. She turns into the Doughboy. Once again, I remind you, we are very different. 7/30/05 I don't remember what happened on this day but I have to put something in here to make it look like I made an effort. I probably lost $10 at Keno. 7/25/05 I'm pretty sure it was hot today. Real hot. According to my calendar, I had a beach volleyball game. Chances are we won. Unless this was the day I had that really bad summer cold and went home right after work and fell asleep. Then I hope my team managed to win without me. 7/18/05 The Wendy's Charity Classic was awesome this year! We raised $160,000 and many participants said it was the best one yet. After five years, it's getting pretty smooth. The LPGA pros were fantastic as usual, and everyone who sponsored and/or played had a great time. Personally, I'm relieved it's now behind me, because I still have half a summer left to get out there and have some fun! Went up north to golf Treetops this past weekend as a way to "wind down." Never golf a northern Michigan course to wind down. Let's just say I'm getting pretty good out of the sand, and everything breaks away from the mountain. But you can't always see the mountain cuz you're on the mountain. Which is also why I don't ski. I hate skiing. It's pointless. Stay in the lodge. Enjoy a hot chocolate. Wear a fake cast. Read a good book. Now that has promise. Anyway, I digress. I have a few more golf events to tend to this month, but I'm also looking forward to doing some more comedy! 7/4/05 Things have been really crazy at work with the Wendy's Charity Classic coming up in less than a week!!! I have pretty much gotten over failing the Millionaire test, but I thought I would share with you what I would have said in the interview had I passed, cuz I may never get another chance! THEM: "What would Meredith find most compelling about you?" ME: I have a lot of “careers” cuz they say you should always keep your day job. I am the I.T. Manager for a Wendy’s franchisee – 63 restaurants in mid-Michigan. I am also a partner in a web design company, and I am the webmaster for the Women’s Senior Golf Tour (Senior LPGA). I direct an annual LPGA pro-am in my hometown that raises money for adoption. I am also a stand-up comedian. I have been performing for over a year and in October I will be featuring at Bonkerz in Milwaukee (free beer!). I think Meredith will find it interesting that I have so many careers but I am not stressed out. I am a genuinely happy person – I love a good project! I am quick to develop a good rapport with pretty much anyone I meet. THEM: What would you do with one million dollars? ME: The first thing I would do with one million dollars is lock up the house, buy an RV and hit the road for a year doing stand-up comedy in cities across the U.S. I might even get a small dog. I don’t really like dogs, but with a million bucks, it’s tough to complain about anything. THEM: What is something people would never believe you've done? ME: You’d never believe it but I once wore a tu-tu for a day in college. I was the pledge educator for my sorority so I had to get the pledges ready for initiation. One of the requirements was earning at least a 2.2 GPA. I told the class if they all got at least a 2.2, I’d wear a tu-tu. Well, they did it. And so did I. THEM: What could you be in the Guiness World Book of Records for? ME: I could be in the Guinness Book of World records for most consecutive days without writing a novel after saying I’m going to write one. I’m still determined, but it’s been 10,691 days… THEM: What will the audience find most compelling about you? ME: I hope the audience will find my tremendous intellect compelling, but once you get past that, I’m really just a goofball. I was voted most likely to succeed by my high school class, but not much has happened since. I think the guy they voted Class Clown is now an Astro-Physicist. Perhaps we were switched at birth??? THEM: What else should Meredith know about you? ME: I am an avid golfer. I love chocolate. My favorite movie of all time is L.A. Story. If I could have dinner with one person, it would be my sister Tess. Next in line is Meredith! 6/27/05 Well, I went to New York a few days ago to take the Millionaire test, and it's taken me this long to recover. I didn't pass. 30 questions. 10 minutes. I know I missed at least 3 for sure, probably 2 or 3 others in addition to that. There were several that I was very sure of. I filled in "Name" correctly, I believe. I made Wendy take the test, too, but she didn't pass either. We entered ABC studios at 4:53 and walked out at 5:17. We were not empty-handed, however. I got a pencil and Wendy got a magnet. Then we got drunk. 6/23/05 Today's the day. The big Millionaire audition in NYC. We made it to the Hotel Belle Claire. The room is a shoebox. I put my shoes in there and closed the door. No room for the rest. It is easily the smallest hotel room I have ever seen. We stepped into the room and literally stood shoulder to shoulder wondering whether or not unpacking was worth it. I wish I had something smaller than a carry on...I think rooms this small should not be painted yellow. And really, why bother with the bulky air conditioning unit in the window? Just open the mini-fridge. 6/22/05 I am supposed to be on a plane to New York City for the Millionaire audition. Instead I am in a Ramada Inn by Metro Airport cuz our flight was cancelled due to "weather." Ramada has "wireless" but it's not working, so I am actually typing this days later but remembering exactly how I felt. Northwest sucks! Now we have to fly out at 6:15 a.m. tomorrow. We will be in New York City for the day and fly back at 6:15 the next morning. They won't pay for the extra hotel or credit our account or give us miles or ANYTHING. We checked the weather on our cell phones for NYC and it's just a little rain!!! When we have to cancel a flight or make a change, they are quick to charge us $100; but when they inconvenience us, no recorse. There's an empty room at the Belle Claire hotel on W. 77th in the Big Apple tonight... 6/21/05 This is for Ruth, Chris and Jessica...I just wanted you to know I made it home ok and there were no cones in the airport so I fell three times on the way to the plane. For everyone else, I am now going to cheat and enter some stuff into this journal backwards for dates that have already gone by to make it look like I am on the ball with this thing. So feel free to look back... 6/20/05 I missed my flight. It's 4:00 a.m. in Iowa and I'm about to head out to catch the 6:15 a.m. flight back to Detroit. It's all right, though. At 3:21 p.m. yesterday, I called to change flights. Can you believe the last flight out of Iowa on a Sunday night is 4:56 p.m.? If you're not on that plane, you ain't goin' nowhere till mornin'. They should have more to do on a Sunday night here. Maybe a Texas Hold-Em tournament at the third cornfield on the left or something. I'll call the Chamber on my way out. 6/19/05 Ah, Father's Day. What a fine tradition. My Dad's the best - I wish I was there to wish him a great day! I am still in Iowa punching in scores. I'm going to miss my flight. There's a four-way tie for first, it's 3:20 and my flight leaves in 90 minutes. The airport is at least 20 minutes away. You wouldn't believe it, but security is very tight here in the cornfields. You have to completely undress to get through the gate. It's nuts. And I have to account for forgetting my belt and my chapstick. So I will have to go back. There are two holes left to play. This is the kind of story problem I prayed for in high school. It's real world. What do I do?! What do I do?! 6/18/05 The Millionaire questionaire asks some pretty personal questions. Like, what would you do with the money? I think I'll just write "none of your business." That works for just about any of these questions. For instance, "if you held a world record, what would it be in?" First of all, why are they asking "if"? I actually have a world record in consecutive days without having written a novel while saying I'm gonna write one. It's official. 10,691. Can you top that? Can you figure out how old I was when I first said I would write a novel? Isn't this fun?! 6/17/05 What percentage of the earth's water is fresh? Can you believe it's less than 1%??? I'm not sure about that though. But I think it was the right answer when I was playing Trivial Pursuit on my cell phone. Don't quote me but I'm pretty sure that was it. In cramming for this Millionaire test, I've discovered I know a helluva lotta stuff, but not for certain. Most of the time I am pretty close to being right, maybe one or two answers off. So I like my chances!!! 6/16/05 Not much going on in comedy this week. A lot going on with the day job. What do I do during the day? Solve computer problems for 61 Wendy's restaurants in the mid-Michigan area. I also direct the company's annual LPGA pro-am to raise money for adoption. Did I mention that it's coming up next month? July 11. Be there! I really enjoy my work, but it wouldn't hurt to be a Millionaire either. I am cramming for the test next week. Where the hell is Guam???? 6/14/05 I am trying out for "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire next week. First, I have to go to Des Moines, Iowa this coming weekend to do the real time scoring for the Women's Senior Golf Tour. I'm looking forward to it because I work with people I only see once a year, but when we get together, it's like we never left the media center. I predict Jessica will be an excellent volunteer. I'm assuming that will be her name. What is it like to do the real time scoring for a golf event? No sun, donuts everywhere!!! 6/12/05 What a line up at the Holly...Frosty, CoolAide and Chili! It was great working with my favorite soul pole, CoolAide (we're pictured here). He's single, by the way. And yes, I always wear the same shirt now. Two weekends in a row with the aces. You'd think I'd hit the lottery at some point. Headliner Chili Challis was awesome. He writes for Leno and it shows. He has such a good ear and he's so amicable on stage - I learned a lot watching him. What a treat to be in a show with Chili! If you ever get a chance to catch a show at the Holly, do it. The staff is top-notch and the room is great. Thanks for another fun weekend, Nancy and crew! 6/10/05 I love the Holly Hotel! What a fun place to do shows, kind of like my parent's basement. The staff is great - last night I met Robert during the special show for the Head Start folks of Gennessee County. The show was on the 2nd floor (heat rises) and featured 2 fans (box fans, not comedy fans, although I think 2 people did laugh once at one of my jokes), and I was tethered to a podium with 3 feet of microphone cord. Great show! Robert makes a mean drink and that really helps. Tonight I return to the basement for a real show with CoolAide and Chili. Just call me Frosty. 6/9/05 I enjoyed a delightful lunch with the ladies of the Foote Auxilliary today. I was the entertainment. And I didn't use the f word once! Look out Red Hat Society...here I come! Special thanks to my Mom for being there. 6/4/05 I was part of a historical show tonight - the last Friday night at the Comedy Zone. After tomorrow's shows, they're closing the club, which is so sad because I feel like I just got to know them! It's like the friends you make at summer camp - everyone means well, but let's face it, you probably won't keep in touch. I just want to say the staff at Tripper's is outstanding, and I was really proud to be part of those two sold out shows tonight with Billy Gardell and first time feature man/long-running house emcee, Dwayne Gill. Many thanks to Steve and Jim for giving me the opportunity to emcee - I hope they pick it up again somewhere in the future. A word about Billy Gardell - if you ever have the chance to see him, do. He is refreshingly down to earth - on and off stage. Keep an eye on him on the show Yes, Dear. And remind me never to say the audience is in a good mood. I'm such a rookie! My favorite thing about Billy was: "You guys are great. Are you having a good time? 6/3/05 I am so lame with this journal thing! I'm pretty sure you've all given up on me. Thank the Lord for Germaine Gebhardt. She reminded me I'm supposed to write something in here on a more routine basis. Things are going great!!! Wednesday night I made the finals of the Michigan Comedy Survivor contest. So did my good friend Diane Guth - kudos to her for a great set. We're both looking forward to a heated battle the first week in August. After the contest I was asked to emcee the show the next night with Dwayne Gill and Billy Gardell. And I'm going back for two more shows tonight! Tripper's is becoming my new hangout. Too bad the Pistons bit it in Miami. The crowd was in a good mood till they had to see that on the way out. The only good news is Dwyane Wade (why is it not Dwayne? Was his mother dyslexic??? is it a typo that stuck???) bruised something and maybe we won't have to listen to the announcers org every time he hits a fade away jumper from the top of the key. I made that shot 1 out of 7 times in 8th grade basketball, and that's while I was being guarded by a girl named Grimace. 5/23/05 TWO entries in one day. Holy cow! Well, it's just another photo which is very easy to plug in here, but I wanted to show you how much Rob Little loves me and Wendy. Looking forward to more fun times! Thanks for being there, Wen! 5/23/05 Rob Little rocks! Obviously, I don't. I look more like I got myself a hairball. Thanks for another fun gig, Rob - that Farmer Jack will never be the same. 5/22/05 Have you ever been to the Village Idiot in Grosse Pointe? I don't think it's in Grosse Pointe, which is probably why I got a little lost on the way there. Anyhoo, Keith Ruff, Gary Thyson and I had a great show and enjoyed the crowd in the bomb shelter very much. And that Frank blows a mean trumpet! 5/19/05 Last night I was in White Lake for a gig at the Comedy Cellar at Billy's Tip'n Inn on Highland Rd. Despite the small crowd, they had big laughs and Gary Thyson was a hoot! He does comedy AND magic tricks. And Polish jokes. LOOK out. I'm still not sure if that dove was fake. It was at least Polish. I hope to go back there some day - the room was really great for comedy! Plus they had awesome music playing before the show - very Vegas. And I loves me some Vegas. 5/17/05 Today is my best friend from college's birthday. Her name is Rebecca Martinez Dericks and I haven't seen her in years. But I always remember the 17th as her special day. She's got two (maybe three) kids now and lives in New Jersey (I think). I wish we kept in touch, but you can see how lousy I am at keeping a journal. Imagine me being your penpal! This is why they won't let me sponsor a kid overseas. 5/11/05 I don't remember what I did on this day but I feel bad about letting this journal go. So I thought I'd stick a few dates in between my last entry and today's entry for filler. 05/06/05 This weekend I am going to write some new jokes. Or, a novel. Maybe I'll start with the novel and edit it down to one really good joke. Like a tree to a toothpick. I need a good knife. 04/30/05 I had no idea the power of my on-line journal. Had I known Paula Abdul was going to cry and America would be outraged, I would not have wished ill will upon Constantine. He seems like a nice enough guy, and even I can admit that he has way more talent than that Scott guy. Plus, he's not a felon. If Constantine comes out with a fragrance, I promise I will buy it to make up for my sins. 4/25/05 What a fun weekend at the Holly Hotel! Kate Brindle featured and Sal Demillio headlined. All three shows were a hit - the crowd really had fun. One guy even bought me a drink after Saturday's first show. Well, he offered to buy me a drink and then his girlfriend handed me three dollars out of her purse. Turns out a Bud Light is $3.50. So he ponied up the other buck and then they left. Nothing like drinkin' a beer bought for you buy someone else who can't stay to have one with ya. That's how I like to wind down after a show anyway. I don't need all those people fawning over me. I just want someone to toss me a brewski and wish me good night. Thank you, guy in flannel shirt.